Postpartum Sex Blues: Help!
I was horny as it gets while pregnant, just read my “pregnancy brain” story. Now I’m officially a mom, and my sex drive, well, it’s not. My husband, bless him, is basically dying of blue balls, and I have zero sympathy that I can muster. If he gets hard, and he does (objectively it’s a gorgeous penis), I find myself annoyed at best, angry at worst. He’s on here reading stories, but he does it when I’m not around, because again, my hormones make me angry about it when he jacks off. Help!
I am sitting back and waiting……. I expect this post to get a load of responses. Husbands can be so easy to please in such a situation. How about just giving the poor man a Hand Job. It is clear that you know and understand, but yet you do not love him by taking care of his needs. It happens so often that a baby causes anger in a marriage because a husband suddenly feels unloved and un-cared for. You are spending hours taking care of your baby, but do not take the few minutes to take care of your husband. NO! This should not be so.
So agree with the above post. You not wanting PIV is one thing, but you saying you “dont care” about his drive by ignoring him sends a message. You can be sexy without having sex and just your effort says you love him. Not the act, but the effort. Or just encourage him to masturbate and you watch and kiss him. At least that works for me until she is ready. – Man here.
Mary,
My wife experienced the post part um anti-sexuality blues. There is a biological reason. We went to the doctor and he explained the different hormones that were pulsing through my wife’s body.
When pregnant, some hormone, I think it was Progesterone, was massive and that made her very horny. After the baby came it was a “mother” hormone that was massive. This mother hormone was great for mother-child love and healthy for the Baby. Plus, God wants your body to heal nicely.
Bad News: This will be an issue for a while. Your “will” be driving your sexual response for your husband for a while. Great the marriage heat is here!
Good News: Your sexual drive will come back. The hormones will eventually balance out. Do not freak out about this.
Enjoy the ride with your baby and the coming back to balance!
Wonderful, He is not masturbating to porn. Your hormones will come back!
You are very obviously 2 very sexual people. You both win big if you ask him to jack off onto you. He will be so honored that you asked. It shows how much you care This will bring pleasant relief to him with little effort required by you. It is an act of love,sharing,and eroticism that will benefit both of you.
You are not alone. My wife had a higher libido during pregnancy (peaking in second trimester). Then the cliff. Almost nonexistent interest in sex. We have been busy having kids, so she’s been pregnant or breast feeding for most of the last decade. For me (man) the joy of a new child was offset by my wife’s near bitterness toward sex. It was hard for me to be sympathetic to the hard work of recovery, milk production, and non-stop motherhood. For her it was hard to be sympathetic toward my (and our marriage’s) sexual need. These periods of time were easily the lowest points in our marriage. In recent years it got better… the key was to lower my expectations as a man. My wife did not want to feel needed. I took care of 90% of my sexual needs. Masturbating side by side was our sexual “position” of choice for about 4 straight years. As a wife, encourage your husband to jack off as much as he wants and can. Help him understand that it’s not HIM – it’s that God has designed your body to focus its energies on the baby, and it helps you to not feel like someone else “needs” you. And your husband (if like me) probably still finds you sexy as hell with your milk-engorged tits and all. Take lots of sexy pics and videos, even if you don’t feel sexy. Take a pic of a drop of milk dangling from a nipple, or the first time you try the vibrator again. Let him take pics those rare times you hang out naked together. You will be serving him well if you do this. He will no longer have blue balls for sure. It’s not as scary of a time if you know to expect the dark clouds for a bit. The good tingleys come back eventually.
I remember feeling like I was already giving all of my body that I could possibly give to the new baby. My body felt broken. My boobs were constantly on call for someone else. And really all I wanted to do was sleep. As much as I knew my husband wanted it, needed it, it was very difficult to muster up any sexual feelings. Because for me at least, being mistress of my own body is essential to feeling sexy…and postpartum, I just wasn’t in charge anymore.
I think it’s good you are being honest about your resentment about sex right now. But I also think that the very fact that you posted your question indicates that you realize it isn’t healthy for you to stay in this place.
I’m doing a lot of guessing here, but I’m wondering if you feel like you are the one carrying the brunt of the baby. You were pregnant, you suffered through delivery, you are the one nursing, you are the one getting up at all hours of the night…and all that happened because of sex. I’m wondering if you feel like your husband is being selfish in still wanting sex like nothing has changed when things have in fact changed so very much for you?
If that resonates with you, then I wonder if there are things he could do to care for you that would help you perceive him differently. It might be something that isn’t even sexual…a back scratch, or a free morning once a week when you aren’t on baby duty, I’m not sure. But I wonder if what you need is just a little extra care to get over some of the frustration you are are feeling.
On the other hand, I think you completely realize he needs to be able to get release. You guys need to talk about what the best way is going to be for him to do this right now. Maybe he does it alone in the shower, but then in bed that night he tells you what he fantasizes about. That keeps you connected sexually, but doesn’t put any demands on you to perform. Obviously I’m not a guy, but I don’t think this would be an unreasonable request as long as both of you understand it is a very temporary arrangement…until your hormones and body recover a little bit.
It’s obvious to me from your post that you recognize things can’t stay this way and that you want to be able to get back on track as soon as possible. But let’s be honest. You just made a human. You might need to give your sex life a little time to recover.
I remember those days. We had two kids fairly close together with a miscarriage between the first two and another after our second child was born. Had a hard time cl keeping our hands off each other or more appropriately I had trouble keeping my hands off my Sweetie. I used to try and take the kids by my self to visit my parents a couple blocks over just to give her some quiet time and space. That’s probably the best thing you can do as s husband is to try and focus on the kids and after awhile Swertie would start to miss me and she would show her appreciation for giving her time off. It doesn’t happen overnigh but if you are sincere about her happiness snd wellbeing you gain “points” that can be redeamed at a later date. With our third child she too awoke to go to sleep at night and my sweetie would want to head for bed about 8:00. I’m more of s vampire staying up to 11 or 12 and I would plop my little daughter on my chest as I watched tv in my Lazyboy and we were both happy as clams. I was able to get her to settle down quickly. By the time I was ready for bed she would be sound asleep and I would tuck Her in for the night. If your wife knows that you are invested in taking care of her snd the baby. My wife and I had just had wonderful sex