Dominant and Submissive Sex Safety

There is a stigma to being into Dominant and submissive sex. Those that play that way feel this stigma. We fear that if someone discovered the handcuffs in our top drawer, the nipple clamps in our jewelry box, or the paddle hanging in our closet that we’d be judged and seen as being sick, abusive, or perverted. There have been times when I wonder if someone were to know, would I or my husband lose the respect of our friends and fellow Christians?

I don’t know how many D/s or D/s inclined couples actually come to MH. But if you’re not D/s than you still might find this read enlightening and a window into the thinking behind those that are doing it out of love for one another.

There has been a lot of hype (especially in some Christian and feminist circles) about consensual D/s as just a word to disguise an abusive relationship. I believe that those who write these blogs and news headlines have no inclination to the fetish of Dominant and submissive sex or know what happens in a consensual D/s relationship.

Saying this, I can understand why an uninformed person may see “kinky” as a word an abusive person uses to hold power over a weaker person where they can do whatever they want to them, such as beating them or controlling them without consequences. And surely, there are instances out there were someone claims they are kinky or D/s, but in fact just in an abusive relationship. I pray for people in this type of circumstances and that they see the truth, that what is happening to them isn’t kinky but in fact abuse. The women in these situations are very much in the dark about what a real kinky relationship should be and, unfortunately, their stories do blacken this fetish’s reputation. But please, remember, this type of dynamic isn’t an accurate representation of what healthy Dominant and submissive sex is.

These are some traits of a healthy Dominant and submissive sex safety dynamic

  • The Dominant and submissive partners extensively talked over their limits together BEFORE playing so no one is traumatized or abused in the experience. This includes creating a profile or list of things they like and are turned on by, things they are okay with being done during a scene (a word used to describe a session of kinky sex), and things they never want done to them at all. Whether they are the Dominant or submissive they take time to MEMORIZE the limits.
  • After the limits are talked over a Dominant never pushes a hard limit even if he/she wants to and if he/she does this would most definitely be considered abuse by the submissive partner and have serious consequences on the relationship or whether the submissive will ever allow kinky play together again.
  • The submissive ALWAYS has the ability to use previously discussed safe words during any scene and if used the Dominant must cease doing the action immediately. The submissive will not allow herself/himself to go to a place she/he doesn’t want to go even if it was on their limits list as something she/he was okay with. (NOTE: if you are gagged and unable to speak, you must work out a system for safe words. (Example: two taps of the hand on the Dominant means slow down and three means stop completely)

The Mutual Submission of Dominant and Submissive Sex

So you see, in reality there is mutual submission going on between the Dominant and submissive. The Dominant may be playing as the one in control or be the one leading what is going on. But to have a consensual D/s relationship, the Dominant is not actually doing whatever he/she wants to the submissive, they are doing what his/her submissive allows them to do. Yes, as a sub, I tend to do what my Dominant tells me to, BUT… I’m not doing anything I am not already willing to do. I may be the one serving in the relationship, but I WANT to serve and in turn my Dominant is SERVING MY desire to be dominated during sex.

Another good way to commit to keeping things safe is to write your own Dominant and submissive safety contract. This is more of a mental and relational contract rather than legal and it’s a great way to establish your commitment and how seriously you take your partners safety. You can copy and paste/edit for fun the sample I created if you think it’s a good way to lay down your commitment to keeping your kinky relationship healthy.

Dominant and submissive safety contract

I _______________the Dominant, promise to never abuse my position as Dominant. I promise to care for my submissive ______________ ‘s wellbeing and always adhere to their limits and safe words, to not bring harm to them physically, emotionally, or mentally, but to show love and respect for their desires as we mutually enjoy each other.

I _______________the submissive, promise to always use my safe words when needed so I am not harmed physically, emotionally or mentally while playing. I promise to submit to my Dominant ______________ to show love and respect for their desires as we mutually enjoy each other.

Dominant signature _____________submissive signature _____________

In my book, Guide to Marriage Kink, published by MH, I talk more extensively about a consensual kinky (specifically the Dominant/submissive style) sexual relationship in marriage.

Anyone ever made a limits list together or written a safety contract? Please share your tips and stories of Dominant and submissive sex safety.

Also, I’ve been wondering, has anyone here ever been discovered as kinky by someone else outside their marriage? How did you handle explaining it to them? How did they react?

Happy playing! – Silver

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14 replies
  1. PassionateForChrist says:

    Dear Silver, I personally am not at all into kinky or D/s but still I just wish to show you some respect and appreciation for the work that you’ve put into writing this up. I love how you’ve shown the difference between a healthy form of such a kind of sexual relationship and an unhealthy form of it. I appreciate very much that you have not neglected to mention the truth that some take advantage of the field as they are really just being abusive and hiding/justifying that abuse under the label of “D/s” or so.

    Sexuality in general (as God created and intends it to be) is under attack in this world – being constantly twisted and perverted in meaning and being… so, it’s no surprise that a specific form of it, like kinky or D/s, is also under attack.

    I love that you are true to God’s Word in how you live your sexuality: you are married to the godly man you love; your husband and you both take heed of what matters to the other; you serve one another… God desires freedom, fun and abandonment for the husband and the wife in the marriage relationship. If you and your husband find these in the special form of kinky or D/s, who would I be to judge you for it? If you and your spouse are true to God’s Word, the principles He sets, and to one another as spouses, then there is nothing wrong with it. What matters is your relationship with God and your relationship to one another as a married couple. And from how you’ve explained what’s fundamentally important for kinky or D/s to be a healthy form of expression, I can see that you are being true.

    Many people sure don’t know much of anything about it… all I knew until reading your post was what I saw portrayed in a few TV scenes here and there (you know like in that one episode of Castle or so)… and obviously the portrayal is very much stereotypical (as is always the case with just about anything). So, I found reading your post to be interesting, and appreciate especially that you elaborated on the topic in a fair way. So, though I’m not at all into kinky or D/s myself, I just wished to still send you some love and I know you’ll probably love me back just the same 🙂 Blessings to you and yours!

    • Silver says:

      Thank you, PassionateForChrist, I send you love back for reading my post! I am glad you enjoyed this article! It’s cool that although you state you’re not kinky you read it because you want to understand kinky people a little better and I applaud you for that!

    • PassionateForChrist says:

      Thank you, Silver! 🙂 Yes, I did enjoy your article. I like to expand my understanding and I always love it when someone seeks to debunk misconceptions, sharing from their God-centered heart and personal expertise. And you did just that. Just because it’s not something I’m drawn to personally, doesn’t mean that I can’t relate to or empathize with what it means to you. We are one in Christ. That puts us together on the same plate 🙂 And I clearly want to say for good measure, you’re not weird or anything for being kinky. Our good God has made you fearfully and wonderfully the way you are – having divinely, lovingly crafted in you what moves you intimately, what sparks the fire on the inside – and just like He said, you are a beautiful masterpiece of His.

      God bless you!!

      Ps.: Because it showed up in the Last Comment section, I’ve just had the opportunity to read the introduction you wrote to your “My Kinky Marriage” article, and I’ll say it for all to hear: I love what you wrote in the intro! I love the way you clarify what it really means. I love the heart you have in all of this! You’re awesome.

  2. Alicia G. M. says:

    Mrs. Silver,

    I really enjoyed this. I’m not sure if it is for me, but it sure sounds like fun. Hey, I am an adventurous girl and you just never know. Of course will have to see what Trey thinks. Thanks for posting this.

    • cameron says:

      Alicia I was the same way at first I did not think it was for me, but after trying it I founded I liked it. So you all should try it, you don’t need all the toys. Just use what you have at home and let us know how it goes lol.

      Take care.

    • Silver says:

      Thanks! Alicia, I know it isn’t for everyone, but you can try it out and if anything it’ll be fun to experiment together and further that trust bond and communication between the two of you. <3 God bless!

  3. Faith says:

    Silver! It’s great to hear from you again! It’s been a long time! I hope that you and your family are well and blessed! I can’t wait to hear more of your stories! Your sister in Christ, Faith =)

    • Silver says:

      Thank you, Faith! I’m glad to be writing more again. I hope to get the next part of Handcuffed for the First Time up soon too! 😀 Blessings to you, Faith!

  4. Eva says:

    I think you know already that I adore your stories, but I just want to say again how much I appreciate that you are on this site writing articles like this one.

    I’ve done quite a bit of reading recently about Christian Domestic Discipline and it really has made me appreciate all over again your message and how you go about sharing it. For Christians who are interested in exploring a little discipline type kink in the bedroom, it is pretty much a guarantee that you’ll stumble onto a CDD site at some point. But from my perspective the practice of CDD can run the gambit from mildly disturbing to downright abusive. I really appreciate that you are on here describing what healthy submissive sex should look like in a Christian marriage. One site I read basically said that when a Christian wife marries into a CDD relationship she consents to the practice for life and that since they are “Christians” and the practice is “Biblical” that there is no reason for safe words. Other sites talked about women in CDD relationships who would go back home to their parents to seek refuge from the punishments their husbands doled out, only to be asked by their parents what they were doing to deserve such treatment. And that is just the tip of the iceberg, but I won’t get into it all here.

    Suffice to say that I think Christians are just like anyone else, we sometimes feel the desire for kink, but also like anyone else, we need to figure out how to experience it in healthy ways that aren’t dehumanizing and abusive. So thanks for doing what you do. I think your voice is an incredible contribution to the conversation.

    • Silver says:

      Thank you, Eva, that means a lot. I COMPLETELY agree with you. That is the message I strive for. Too many go too far with kink to a point where it’s downright dangerous and abusive not to mention gives us other kinky couples a bad name. I have seen the CDD and it IS disturbing and a bad representation of scripture. Sometimes I get discouraged about writing articles about our D/s relationship on here because I feel like people will view us like the extreme couples and not realize my intent. Being kinky is a lot of fun if done in a healthy way and I want to steer those with similar tastes in a good, healthy direction, not one where they are taken advantage of or abused. God bless you, Eva, for teaching this same message of health and well-being! I am so grateful to you. I’m so glad I’m not the only one out there and I adore your stories as well!

  5. Tony Conrad says:

    I agree that CDD is unscriptural and a bad label for christianity. I do like the foreplay stories that include spanking. I keep the paddle under my pillow but it is my wife who uses it sometimes as she doesn't like it for herself. Sometimes I do feel a bit of a pervert as it seems that it is the wife who usually gets spanked.

  6. HotInBed says:

    I'm in a relationship, To be married next year, reading couple stories since, stopping porn. This was the Best place, that I regularly visit and wandering to some websites, where wives are becoming hot wives being a D.

    Reading this changed my whole perspective on D/s and yes they become abusive. This is safest practice for that. I would love try this out down the road sometime when I'm married.

    Thanks for writing this.

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