New Territory

Hi. This is my first time joining a group like this. I’ve been reading posts here for a while now.  I very recently lost my wife to cancer. We’d been married over four decades.  She had been fighting this horrible disease for over 15 years, but just lost her battle. Needless to say, my heart is broken.

I only masturbated once in all those years. Our sex life had its ups and downs, but more ups than down! But it had taken a downturn in this last year, as her symptoms got to be intolerable.

And now I find myself sexually aroused. This feels like it shouldn’t be. Maybe the relief that she’s no longer in pain has “relaxed” something physically.

Has anyone else gone through this, and had this kind of reaction?

I’ve masturbated a number of times already, actually using some older photos of my wife to help me along. She was a beautiful gal!

But I wonder, am I substituting physical gratification for the closeness I miss? I have to admit, it feels strange to feel this way, and do these things.

I can’t imagine being with someone else, so perhaps this is my new normal. I sure miss her!!

Thank You for listening!!

 

 

 

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23 replies
  1. Harper Shelby Thornton says:

    I'm so sorry for your loss! And there is nothing to be ashamed of. You're only human, and you're a man too. It's natural, and if your beating yourself up, stop! Enjoy what you have, and God bless, may He bring you through your grief

  2. Clara Olivia Thornton says:

    Hi, I am very sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my husband to cancer earlier this year :'( It's still tough sometimes. But you are not wrong for missing her and expressing it in this way. I sometimes dream about my late husband, and am taken by those dreams and memories of our sexy times together 🙂 God bless

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank you , Clara ! My deepest sympathy for your loss ….I know those words may sound trite, but I know how you feel ! Thanx for the support…Of all the things we did together, our intimate moments sort of linked all our other shared experiences into one beautiful thing…God Bless…

  3. AmBlessed says:

    Dale3,

    Welcome to the community and for sharing. Being married 4+ decades likewise I can only imagine the sense of loss I would feel but a certain rejoicing at her being free of the pain and with her Savior. To masturbate to thoughts & pictures of your wife to me is to celebrate and be thankful for her and your marriage together.

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank you for the welcome to the community, and the support !! Yes, it is a huge sense of loss, mixed with relief, as being free of pain became so important !! I know she's in heaven, and though we didn't masturbate together, or separately, I think she'd be glad I was still able to re-live our loving moments…..Thank You again

  4. Betterwithage says:

    I understand exactly how you feel. My wife passed away 41/2 years ago after 30 years. It did feel somewhat strange to masturbate after her death, but you do not forget all the love you shared during those years. Those feelings are still strong. I think it is okay for the release in that way. May God bless you and strengthen you in this new journey in your life.

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank You for the`support !! I'm sorry for your loss…Yes, I was remembering how warm and loving she was, and I was 'reaching back ' for that, I think ….I'm gonna continue reaching back !!
      Thank you , again !!

  5. Old Lover says:

    So sorry and my heartfelt prayer, Dale3, for you in the loss of your dear wife. You are in a chapter of life that half of us will experience someday.

    My sweet Anne and I have been married nearly five decades and enjoy a wonderful, fulfilling and intimate union of deep love. Losing my Anne is a difficult notion, yet potential reality, and I try to wrestle with and wrap my mind around that probability from time to time. Going though the stages of grief is something that each of us must navigate in our own way and with God’s strength. Again, my prayer for you is that God’s grace will be sufficient.

    Sexual intimacy is an important aspect of our sacred married love and we’ve been in sync with the quality, quantity, and variety of sexual expression and fulfillment. Even though my libido (and hers) have lessened in latter years, we savor the intimate closeness in whatever shape and form it takes on these days. Different than you and your wife, solo and mutual masturbation has been a vital part of our marriage.

    I’ve surmised about my own sexual interest, needs, and wants should my lovely Anne leave this world for her eternal home before I do. It is difficult to imagine loving and being with another woman. It has crossed my mind that my memories of Anne could arouse my sexual desire and I’m convinced that it would only be natural and wholesome.

    Dale3, embrace your sexual arousal and don’t feel odd or even guilty. Masturbation is a gift from God and doing so in the memory and honor of your wife can be a sweet and soothing release.

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank you for your answer of support !! Like you, I can't imagine being with another woman, though the sexual urges don't recede.. Maybe because it's the closest I can get to the feelings we shared, in those moments, unlike not being able to touch her, hear her laugh, see her smile….
      Thank you, again, for our support !! And may you and your wife continue for decades` to come !!.

  6. PacMan says:

    I am thankful for your openness and that you’ve found this community. I can’t speak to losing a spouse. But maybe others can.

    I just want to assure you that becoming sexually aroused is a gift from God. He made us sexual beings, not just married folks but all of us. Masturbation is a very healthy way to address those arousals. Even though you are now masturbating for the first time in 30 years, you should enjoy the fact that you can be sexually bonded to your wife even just through photos and memories. Yes, it is likely filling a bit of an intimacy gap, but that’s not a bad thing at all. Masturbation is quite normal… likely a regular activity for 95%+ of all post-adolescent males… but also for females, monkeys, apes, etc. It’s everywhere in nature. 😉 So don’t feel strange. And if MH stories give you a hard-on and cause you to stroke one out… you are not odd, you are in good company. Plus there are endorphins released during orgasms that will naturally give you some peace, calm, and tranquility… so it might be just what the Good Doctor ordered!

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank you, PacMan , for your message of support !! Yes, it felt like an intimacy gap I was trying to fill…as close as I could get to experiencing something she and I shared through our lives…the endorphins did give me some peace, and helped me sleep !! Thank you for the welcome to the community !!

  7. ClimaXX says:

    Hi there Dale3. Welcome to this wonderful site. It has been a blessing to so many of us. My heart weeps for you. It is so difficult to lose a loved one. There is a time when all the friends are around to support you, but slowly but surely you become more and more alone as they carry on with their lives. We lost our 18 year old daughter 3 years ago and we experienced the loneliness as well.
    I think the most important thing to understand that masturbation is not a sin in the way that you do it, remembering your wife and enjoying her pictures. You have been soul mates, one flesh and lovers for many years and her memories still belong to you and you may still enjoy her memories and the times you had together.
    The scary thing is that many (if not most) men get into a relationship so fast that they get whiplash from it. We do not do very well ALONE, BUT….. this is the dangerous thing to do. Wait. relax. Take time. Don't rush. Don't look for a mate. Allow God to do what He wants to do.
    Blessing.
    Climaxx

    • Lovinghusband says:

      Dale – your opening your heart here is so touching. I just want to add my welcome to the others. You have many memories about many aspects of life with your dear wife. You are pondering them and will continue to ponder them in many different places and seasons. Included in that blessed list is your sexual memories with her. This is just another aspect of her impact on you living on. I encourage you to enjoy the sexual release as you remember the erotic times with your wife.

      ClimaXX – Your loss also touches me deeply. I can't imagine all you've gone through. Words can't express what I felt when I read about your loss. Only God is able to truly lift us up. Thank you for all the ways you bring encouragement to this site.

      God bless you all – Dale & ClimaXX

      LH

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank You so much, Climaxx, for the wonderful welcome !! And my condolences on the loss of your daughter…As bad as this is, I can't imagine losing a child !!
      I've heard of widowers jumping back into another relationship, and I honestly can't see myself with anyone else,…She was my soulmate, my lifemate …maybe that will change, but in the meantime, at least I can remember this way…
      Like you say, it's probably better to be alone , with memories, than to jump into something too soon….I'll let God sort it out !!

      Thank you, again , for the welcome , and the support !!

    • Dale3 says:

      Thank you, Art, for the support !! I'll have a ways to go to get to your level !! Thank you , again, for the condolences !!

  8. Dale3 says:

    I just logged in for the first time in about a week…I was surprised to see my article posted…I haven’t read all the reply’s yet, but what I’ve seen is so encouraging!, I’ll read later, I’m in the middle of a timed project…thank you all so much for your encouragement and caring….I’m truly touched !! I’ll be back soon !!

  9. Dale3 says:

    To Lovinghusband:
    Thank you for your welcome, your support and your insight…you're so right about the list of memories….44 years together means a ton of them !! And as time went on, we did everything together..so it's almost impossible to think about something, do something, or experience something, without a memory being attached !!! If I can remember an intimate time with her, then that should surely help some of this emptiness …Thank you , again, for your kind words !!

    • Dale3 says:

      Thanx so much for the kind words….I'm very much feeling supported and cared about by this community ! It's helped me already …..I thank you !!

  10. Sarge says:

    I’m so sorry about your wife, but I hope you know that’s she's now pain free.
    I lost my wife six years ago when she had a heart attack in her sleep. We had an amazing sex life up to around 1999 when a skin disease made intercourse impossible. But we continued to use mutual masturbation, and though her condition prevented me from performing oral sex on her, she still gave me what I think were the best blow jobs on the earth.
    Now that she’s gone I too have a high sex drive, and like you, I cannot imagine being with someone else. Therefore I masturbate, although at the age of 61 it’s hard to get hard. But I manage by using my memories of our sexual adventures together and sometimes the stories here on MH. Avoid pornography at all costs, but I tend to believe that MH is not porn. So use your wonderful memories and MH to set the tone for jacking it.

  11. Dale3 says:

    Hey, Sarge, thanx for the sharing. Sorry for your loss, as well…I get what you mean about it sometimes being hard to get hard…new situations all over the place..we didn’t use masturbation , so I’m trying to remember what I did as a kid!! But the MH stories, and memories of her certainly help!! And thanx again for the reply !!!! Most appreciated ! Dale3

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