‘Tis the season for resolutions! What changes are you planning to make?

Last year around this time, my husband and I decided to focus on heating up our marriage. One thing that came out of that was starting to submit stories to MH! But another was that we took a sex compatibility quiz. There are a few different ones in app stores and online, but the one we used was called Mojo Upgrade. It was free and didn’t require us to watch adds to answer all the questions.

Let me say up front that this type of quiz is not specifically designed for Christians or even for monogamous married couples. (Someone really needs to fill that gap!) Some of the questions it asks are about things the Bible clearly tells us are wrong. But the others are things you may not have considered or may be embarrassed to admit turn you on.

That’s where the way these questionnaires work comes in handy. You each answer the questions separately and the program compares your answers and only shows your partner the answers that indicated compatibility. You can be totally honest and not be afraid your spouse is going to see an answer that would gross out or shock him or her. And if you are both transparent, you can be surprised by some of the things you are both interested in.

Now, Rez and I are pretty open with one another as a rule. And our sex life had recently done a turn around. I had been released from a sense of guilt and fear that kept me from enjoying my kinky side lest I cause my husband or myself to stumble. So we decided to answer all the questions as if they were referring only to fantasy. In other words, we were comfortable with saying that the idea of something excited us even if we wouldn’t actually do it. That way we could learn more about what turns each other on. But we would only fulfill those desires with each other, as best we could, without going outside our marriage. Depending on the state of your relationship, you might answer differently. But don’t be afraid to say what you’d actually like, because if your spouse doesn’t agree it’ll never show up!

At the end, they ask you to rank the things you said you like. You have to pick at least your top three, but we decided to rank anything we hadn’t ever done or weren’t doing currently. If you both rank an item, that puts it on what they call your “hot list”. That list came in handy for us.

One of the things that we both ranked pretty highly was exhibitionism. By that I mean things like having sex in front of an uncovered window or in a car. Or surreptitiously groping each other in public places. Just knowing that was a turn on we shared meant that when an opportunity arose, we didn’t let it slip by. A year later, we almost never close the blinds before sex. We even leave the windows wide open in the summer (and we aren’t quiet, either.) 🙂

There were other ideas that made their way into our sexy times. We both liked the idea of me being submissive to him. That led to the story I told in Fifty Shades of Rez. We found out we both were interested in exploring pegging, which was a real surprise for me. (Yup, wrote about that one this year, too.) And one we haven’t explored yet, but that is still on my hot list, is one day going to a nudist resort or on a nude cruise. I like the idea of being around a lot of people who are comfortable and casual about being naked in front of each other. I think that would be a huge turn on, just being that free. Of course, I might find out it’s more embarrassing than I imagine…

Which leads to another point. When we try out something new and we both love it, that’s great. It usually becomes a regular thing, at least for a while. But sometimes one of us thinks its fun and the other is just okay with it. Or one didn’t like it but the other really enjoyed it. In those cases we still try it again, at least one or two times. That’s because each of us wants to give what the other desires, even if it isn’t our particular favorite. And some things that we didn’t like the first time, we like by the second or third. You never know! Of course, if neither of us enjoyed it, or it was fun as a “one off” but not something we want to repeat, then we don’t. That happened sometimes.

We definitely learned a lot from taking the test. We confirmed that we are both kinky as… well, no need to earn a language rating for that. But we kinda knew that already. And we will be taking it again this year, too. The tool consolidated ideas that were floating around in our brains and gave them an outlet in our private time. And we think that’s an important part of the role of marriage. God gave us each other to meet the needs we shouldn’t be tempted to fulfill with anyone else. For me, it’s part of being a helper suitable for him. For him, it’s about washing me with the water of the Word, reassuring me that even kinky sex – in marriage, in love – can be holy sex.

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8 replies
  1. Juicy says:

    First, Happy New Year to all of you! Second, what a great idea! No matter how long you have been married, a little quiz or conversation about preferences would be beneficial because tastes change and horizon's may broaden. For some, it would be a great way to segway in communication that may be uncomfortable.

  2. ClimaXX says:

    What a great idea. I created a "game" called :Let's Talk About Sex" that has 64 little question cards that ask your feelings and thoughts about different sexual things. This creates great conversations about likes, desires, wants, disapointments, fears, etc. I think one of our greatest problems is not a lack of SEX, but rather a lack of conversation about sex. It seems that we are scared to talk about it.

    • ConstantLover says:

      Can you share your game/cards? It would be great to use them as conversation starters to new adventures!

  3. Dean316 says:

    I personally find it very encouraging seeing couples find a way to make conversations and such about sexual things that can bring more spark to their love life. Being more touchy, adventurous and daring in public was a turn on for me when I read that part. Hope this works well.

    Stay sexy.

    God bless,

  4. Southernheat says:

    Sounds like a great idea! Communication is key. I thought we talked about everything but after reading MH for awhile I realized we could really improve. We’ve really opened up this last year and it’s made such a difference in both our fulfillment.

  5. PatientPassion says:

    CrazyHappyLoved, I think you're right that a Christian alternative to this kind of quiz would be extremely useful! I don't know of anything exactly like it, but I did actually discover a similar resource called "Our Sexploration List" not long ago from a Christian site named UncoveringIntimacy. It's a paid product, but at $15 I think it's well worth the price for potentially years of better sexual communication. (Plus you can download the document as a PDF to save and go over it again and again!)

    I'm single, but I love to collect and save resources like this for my future marriage, so I ended up buying it. As I said before, I think a tool like that is a better investment than just about anything else in the realm of sex. Since I have it, I can say it follows the same concept of letting spouses see where each others' interests are. It covers many of the same things as the Mojo Upgrade quiz you mentioned, and probably goes into even more depth and detail (plus has additional good advice as an opener). The "Sexploration List" starts off with things as simple as kissing different body parts and basic sex positions, but quite quickly ramps up into advanced and kinky things like deep-throating, anal play and many BDSM elements. Another valuable addition is an extensive list of "sex words" like words for genitals, ways to refer to your spouse, and more. And obviously, it removes the non-monogamy, porn watching and other non-Christian activities.

    If there were a Christian version of that same online quiz you used though, I think it would be useful to be able to see which points someone answered "no" to. A married couple taking the quiz should be close enough in their marriage to be able to talk through that "no" answer maturely. I can see some use for only displaying the agreed-upon answers, especially maybe the first few times this discussion comes up, but long-term couples should be able to deal with the other stuff too instead of keeping it out of sight and out of mind.

    On a bit of a tangent here, I've been looking for an excuse to learn some kind of web design and programming. That quiz seems to be quite a simple program. On the off chance that I (or someone else who already has the skills) can build something like that, would MarriageHeat be interested in hosting it? (Assuming we can find a way to smoothly integrate it, of course, or even have a separate site and link to it. And it would probably be a long-term project, just weighing the idea.)

    • Marriage Heat says:

      PP, we like that idea! Great thought about including the *option* to see each other's "hard no" list. And maybe even an option to share all results if the couple is up for it.

      The link for the aforementioned resource – Our Sexploration List from Uncovering Intimacy is: No kickbacks for us; just found the resource potentially helpful. If you give them your email address, there is also a two-page download with 37 Sex Questions for Spouses to Ask Each Other. The site's owner disagrees with us on some points regarding Christian sex (for example, solo masturbation), but we appreciate the fact that he's also promoting Hot Biblical Monogamy.

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