Is BDSM for Christians too?
As an adjunct to today’s story, Weekly Spanking and Anal Maintenance, we’d like to open a discussion about whether Christians can rightfully enjoy bondage, discipline or domination, sadism or submission, and/or masochism (BDSM) as part of their sex life.
For the record, we recognize that there are healthy and unhealthy dynamics that can be labeled BDSM. Most practitioners and advocates define a healthy dynamic as one that is safe, sane, and consensual. For our publication purposes, we add the stipulation that the interactions exhibit a loving attitude.
We think it’s important to clarify that in a safe BDSM interaction, it is the submissive who controls the action while their spouse assumes a dominant character for their mutual pleasure. It is a form of roleplay. The dom (or top) should always be attentive to the sub (or bottom) and, when a previously agreed upon “stop” signal is given, will bring the “scene” to an immediate close and proceed to aftercare.
There is a book written by the MH author known as Silver on this subject. It’s called Guide to Marriage Kink (first chapter here) and was published on Amazon but is currently only available on the used book market.
So what about you, MHers? Do you—or do you want to—incorporate BDSM into your sex lives? If so, why and how does it fit or conflict with your Christian ideals? If not, what are your objections?
I agree it's not for everyone, but some couples enjoy it.
I worked with a woman for many years, she was one of the most Christian women you would ever meet. She was strong in her own way at work, but she said in marriage, she was submissive to her husband. While they would discuss things in life, like big decisions, he had the final say. She said it was up to the husband, but if he gets something wrong, he is also the one that has to live with it.
Having said all that, she told me once she got spanked about once a month. Not necessarily for doing something wrong, but more of showing who is boss.
She said there was a right way to do it. It needs to sting, but not leave large bruises. She said she was usually a bit sore the next day. They usually had sex afterwards too.
I was shocked she told me this. She said she believed more women should be submissive.
But that's not really BDSM. BDSM typically has to do specifically with sex or pleasure. Being submissive in every part of your relationship is different.
Actually, for some, the submission can be completely non-sexual and still be considered part of BDSM. As an example, there are those who kneel for hours in a submissive attitude or are used as "furniture," which somehow feeds their need for submission. For them, it is a turn-on though nothing "sexual" is happening. But that seems very dark and demeaning to me, not an expression of love. Perhaps for them, it feels like one, especially if they have to convince their spouse to treat them that way because they wouldn't ever consider it themselves? Idk, I'd worry if my spouse wanted me to demean him in any way, even in a "let's pretend" scenario. I feel it would sort of reprogram me, in a way. Just as practice makes perfect, you know?
I think I could enjoy it and could even be on the receiving end.
I enjoy the feeling of what I'd call light BDSM (as opposed to heavy or dark.) I like to have implements (all those in the photo and more, but never a hanger—yet…) used on me in a gentle way at first, then progressing to occasional swift, hard taps that leave a stinging sensation and redness, but not bruises or welts. And never, never for punishment—we don't punish each other, we work out our differences.
Like Ron33's friend, I discuss things with my husband, give him the benefit of my insight, and he always takes it into consideration when making big decisions for our family. It's how we decided we wanted our family to run. But BDSM is purely for fun and pleasure, and if I ever don't like something, it ends. We have even swapped roles at times, and while Rez isn't as pain-tolerant as me, he likes a little too.
I don't expect people to understand, though. It's hard not to grow up with the corporal punishment issue and not see the intense sensations of BDSM as intrinsically wrong. But when it's done experimentally and carefully or with a practiced knowledge of what pleases your spouse, I can't see why it would be. The Bible doesn't speak on the issue, to my knowledge, but it does tell us to love one another and think of others more than ourselves. Done right, the whole point is that you *don't* want to HURT the other person, just give them sensations that *they* register as exciting and pleasing, even if they could also be categorized as momentarily painful. Somehow, the fleeting sting leaves a glowing euphoria. I can't explain it; if you know, you know.
It's probably the same for anal: if you like intense experiences and can get past the (sometimes extreme, depending on your relaxation level) discomfort at the beginning, the rewards can be worth it for you. But I think one should definitely experience it themselves before asking another to receive it from them.
I just thank God that he gave me a husband so in tune with my needs, wants, and desires.
I think BDSM can be a very bonding experience if done properly. What is okay and what isn't should be discussed beforehand. For my wife and I, bondage, spanking, choking and ordering her around are all okay. These are all things my wife has either told me she wants or that we've talked about and decided to try. As you mentioned in the post, it is actually the sub that has control. When she says stop, that is the end of whatever it was we were doing. There is a trust and respect that needs to be established in stuff like this.
I had always been interested in stuff like BDSM, but my wife was the one who really wanted to try it first. I was hesitant, because I felt ordering her around and talking to her in certain ways felt disrespectful, but she assured me she not only liked it, she wanted it. Over the course of 7 years of marriage, we've tried quite a bit, and I've become more comfortable with things.
Another aspect is that BDSM, for my wife, is also a form of control and reclaiming her sexuality. She was sexually abused as a child, and she told me when we talked about getting into it that it is a sense of relief for her. That not only does she like it, but she says what goes and what doesn't. That it helps her feel sexy. It's something that has helped free her.
All I can add to this is that Jim and I have been engaged in light BDSM all of our married lives, and we know our limits. In my first year of college, my roommate introduced it to me (yes, she was my partner for about a year before I met Jim – and the Lord). I enjoy the feeling I get when I am blinded and restrained, and exposed to discipline and acceptable amounts of pain and forced to do some sexual acts. It's hard to explain, maybe being set free after these role play sessions is the positive stimulant.
My wife enjoys light bondage and impact play, She loves the restraints to pull and tug on while I go down on her and other stimulation to bring her to orgasms. She likes playful impact play. None of our play is out of punishment. We recently purchased a flogger. The soft suede leather feels good on her skin. I go from dragging it across her body to light spanking with it. Anal play and sex has also added new pleasures. We don’t feel any conflict between our beliefs. Thanks the post.
We are a couple that doesn't understand how BDSM can be a pleasurable experience. We don't criticize those for whom it is a part of their love play. What married couples do in the privacy of their relationship is not for us to judge (as long as it is consensual and causes no harm).
My husband and I aren't into it at all, but we have a friend (a very Christian guy) who LOVES it. He loves the heavy, dark stuff. To the point that he goes to BDSM conventions. I once asked him why he enjoys pain during sex and he said that it isn't pain to him. To him, it's simply another sensation. I get that, but I'd rather get my sensations in a way that doesn't leave me bruised or bleeding (like I said, he likes it really rough). But hey, if it works for you and your partner, enjoy!
I agree that what one feels as pain another can feel as an intense, pleasurable experience. But doing harm is a line I wouldn't cross. Pink cheeks and thighs are one thing; bruises or blood drawn is just too far, imho.
It's only in a trusting relationship, that people are comfortable giving up control. So tying each other up can be a trust exercise. There's something nice about it. I like that, and spankings, and sometimes taking a very submissive role like "How can I serve you, Husband?" But that's about as BDSM as we get. We do anal sometimes, but only when I'm comfortable and I feel like it's a good time. I have to be very aroused and also feel cleaned out, so just timing lined up with bowel movements. I'm not going to douche for it.
After decades of incredible unity in our love of the Lord and each other, we engage in lite BDSM. When either of us is peaking, we love very aggressive nipple play. Pulling, twisting, pinching, and biting. Also, she knows just how to hit the pain/pleasure edge on my balls in order to maximize my orgasm.
We’ve also engaged in Shibari crotch tie bondage. It really turns her on when the pain/pleasure edge is reached as I bind her swollen labia.
Ooh, Shibari! I think that looks so beautiful and erotic, but I've never experienced it. Think I'll order some of that special rope and ask Rez to learn a knot or two…
You’ll love it! It’s incredibly 🔥🔥🔥🔥 Our orgasms were amazing!
Your comments just illustrate that a Christian couple can love the Lord AND engage in an exciting sex life. I don't believe our Lord cares how we fulfill our marriage vows to our spouses, and married Christians should be able to explore each other's needs and desires to the fullest.
As I have mentioned, we don't engage in true bondage with restraints, but the nipple play comment really hit home! My wife REALLY enjoys a lot of nipple play (mostly the firm tweaking, tugging, pinching ad pulling.) I sometimes feel like I am 'too hard' on them, but many times my wife will desire more, both time and pressure! If I mention that she might be sore later, she'll often reply that "It will be worth it!" And like you mentioned, that firm pressure is a really great addition as she is going "over the edge". Sometimes, just as she peaks, only a little bit of nipple play will send her over the precipice!
As long as there are mutually agreed upon limits, and partners can play 'safely', I don't see anything wrong with BDSM practices. My wife and I would never engage in anything that incurs any type of pain. We do, however, enjoy a good bit of teasing and denial/holding each other's orgasm at bay. Usually me more than my wife, although she has her 'moments'.
She doesn't really want to be physically restrained, except how I accomplish keep her body under control just by positioning (Never in a 'mean' way but just because I enjoy teasing her into a frenzy with the increased arousal, begging, etc. that goes along with it.) Over the years, she has kidded about tying my hands to keep me under control (I'm pretty 'handsy'), but never followed through when I offered myself as her willing 'victim.' But she has, on a few occasions, pinned my arms under her legs and used it to great advantage (I really enjoy being 'sensually' tickled by her, and holding me down really did the trick—I have a set of stories about those experiences, so be patient 🙂 )
Again, I wouldn't mind some bondage, but we get our pleasures fulfilled by the sometimes 'all day' mental and physical foreplay before we ravish each other when the time comes. Sometimes my wife will insist I keep my hands off while she has her turn playing with me. Anyway, married couples should feel they can fulfill each other to the maximum, as that's why God gave us these beautiful bodies and desires for each other.
I can really relate to that. I agree 100% that whatever is enjoyable to you both is the only guideline. It sounds like, while it might not involve restraints as such, it does involve a bit of restrain-ing, holding back, light teasing, coaxing, and submitting to one another. I also seem to remember we share a liking for the whole idea of "ravishing" one another. That's my own favorite erotic word. So in that spirit, enjoy ravishing each other!
I absolutely believe anything goes between a married couple, that is safe, sane, consensual – and pleasurable to both. I don't like anything painful, but what I do get utterly turned on by is gags – in fact, it's been the subject of all three of my stories in here so far. Of course, there is much, much more to me, and to us as a couple and as individuals, as there is to my late wife's story as well, but since this is about sex, and consensual bondage, there it is.
Someone raised a caution about gags in commenting on my latest story, and I'm well aware of the risks. We follow every safety precaution and then some. For one, she's the one who ties up her own mouth, with a scarf. As I like to say, tight enough to silence her, loose enough to be comfortable, even comforting. A tightened veil, requiring focus on the eyes; a loosened gag into a veil, requiring focus on the eyes.
Then also, she gets to be on top. Not so much as a "statement", but it does kind of balance the power, I suppose. Mainly, it enables us both to enjoy it to the maximum.
Just by way of anecdotally sharing the safe side, one time I was concerned that I came too quickly, and she said, audibly thru the gag, "That's okay". Wearing that same unmistakable look of total satisfaction.
I could go on, about how she loves the challenge of having to communicate what she wants while silenced verbally, and I enjoy meeting her needs while she's helpless to tell me.
My late wife enjoyed this sometimes, especially early on. My current, new wife enjoys it all the time. We love our playtime, as we call it.
I like BDSM. On the bondage side, we have never done more than pinning each other's hands down, though I want to explore more. On the pain/pleasure side, we both love to give a good smack on the other’s ass. When super horny, my wife feels a need to bite. I encourage her because I like the sensation while my cock is deep in her hot cunt. She likes softer nibbles all over her body. For the nipples, she likes a softer touch but sometimes likes me to pull on them with my mouth. For me, I love to have my nipples tweaked, pinched, pulled, licked, sucked and bit… never marking but always up for rough play. If our session goes long in time, I will usually be sore the next day… only a dermal soreness.
We have talked about building a sex room in our future new home and exploring more restraints situations. We watched a series on Netflix called “How to Build a Sex Room.” We were intrigued by the big X restraint thing and how people were interested in light to moderate spankings all over with the soft whips. My wife showed some interest in a very heavy-looking anal plug. She is not usually interested in receiving a lot of anal play, but who knows when we get the room built. The show is not Christian oriented, so one couple is gay(men), and one story has a polyamory group. We found it interesting and enlightening while totally disagreeing with their lifestyles. Interesting to hear others’ journeys as I use such insights as I go about witnessing. My neighbors are lesbians, and I proclaim Christ frequently to them in sneaky non-confrontational ways! Oh BTW, the sex room show is about building a place where folks can thoroughly enjoy their sex lives, and there are many ideas sought after. BDSM is on several of the to-do lists. The show host always presents it in a way that points folks toward safe and mutually enjoyable healthy sex fun!
It sounds like you have a great attitude about exploring this 'kinkier' side of marriage. The phrase "safe and mutually enjoyable healthy sex fun" is a perfect description of any consensual bondage that a Christian couple can use to fulfill mutual desires. As I mentioned before, my wife is not interested in actual physical restraint w physical objects (rope or cuffs). She just doesn't get the idea of restraining your partner for an act of sex that they want to do anyway. And in reality, my desire to use light bondage is just because I thoroughly enjoy the foreplay / edging side of our sexual escapades. Once I get my wife fully aroused, and keep edging, she does go into that state of wanting more. Then she can't always keep her hands under control, and I have to work around her 'distractions'. I would enjoy having her restrained not for punishment or any other 'darker' motive, but simply to enjoy working her into the most intense frenzied state of arousal that I can. And I would never leave her hanging but always allow her to finish (I know prolonged edge play is a thing for some, but no interest in that from me or us). I think if you read my stories, our sex life does involve a lot of teasing, edging foreplay, and I (we) find ways to keep the other 'under control' without the use of actual restraints. But pinning one arm or one leg while concentrating on a particularly 'good area' is probably where we will remain (No regrets from me, actually). It's just interesting that my wife doesn't equate our frequent sexual practices (extended teasing, withholding an orgasm for a bit, sometimes having to beg for it) with light bondage, even though the effects, control, etc are pretty much the same–Just without cuffs and ropes! And it does serve to remind others that every couple can find common ground to satisfy each other's needs/desires, and still remain true to each other's mindset and wishes.