Marriage Kink – Love Comes First
Enjoy this chapter from my book Marriage Heat published Guide to Marriage Kink (now available on kindle or paperback). This is a part of the book that I thought I’d sample here, the chapter is titled, Love Comes First. If you want a little more introduction to kink and its lingo that I already wrote, click here. Enjoy! – Silver
Always Consensual
Anytime you do ANYTHING kinky with your partner, make sure you are both completely on board with what you’re going to do.
A good way of keeping things mutual is to have a Kink list and profile to share with your spouse and compare. This is important because not all the things you want to do are going to line up. This is when you have a talk about your differences and what you’d be willing to try but are not among your fantasies. The reason this is the first chapter is because I believe it is a solid basis for everything to come that you should keep in mind. You may like the idea of putting on a cock ring on your sexually submissive husband, but your husband may not. Another example would be your Dom wanting to use nipple clamps, but you’re not so keen on them. This is why a kink profile is so important starting out.
Being a submissive spouse doesn’t mean you do everything your Dom spouse tells you to do, and being a Dom spouse doesn’t mean you’re into whips and chains, it can also mean you enjoy acts of service from your spouse in the bedroom and enjoy dishing out “rewards”. I will talk more about what kind of Dom or sub you are in later chapters of my book.
Breaking a hard limit has serious consequences relationally, especially because kink play can put you in a very vulnerable position. It can ruin trust between couples that can sometimes feel irreparable, especially if it was something that scared the recipient of the act. Love does not break hard limits. Always respect your spouse’s hard limits and keep their kink list and profile in mind while playing. If you are ever unsure about something during a scene, ask permission while still maintaining your air of control. Something like, “would you like it if I spanked you right now?” while still keeping in your Dom character is always a good route when in doubt.
Safety First
There are pitfalls to being into kink, sometimes you may not even see it yourself, but always be honest about whether what you are doing is safe. You or your partner may consensually be into things that could pose a danger.
There are people out there who willingly cut themselves, and there are kinksters out there who willingly endanger themselves by high risk playing. Bringing real physical harm to your spouse, even when consensual, is not what love is. Safety is extremely important as are safe words when you feel like something is becoming too much. Never go too far with your fetish. Using toys in extreme ways, long periods of submission where a submissive does something without eating or drinking (yeah, there are masochistic subs that are told to do stuff like this by their sadistic Doms) all of these things could be dangerous and sometimes even deadly. Even certain toys can be dangerous if used improperly. Acts like choking is not something you just do without knowing the safety factors, such as the larynx being a very delicate piece of human anatomy that can be crushed and cause deadly situations. Hitting certain pressure point of the body may also be more painful and dangerous than a Dom intends. So doing kink isn’t just about being consensual, it’s about being safe while still enjoying your fetishes. Don’t put your partner at risk of danger! Always be safe as well as consensual because that is what loving kink is all about. If you want to try something out, research into the possible threats an act could impose, especially when it involves impact (slapping, choking, whipping) types of play.
Romance and Kink
Already you may feel your idea of romance is a little different than the average person’s. You may like to be teased and even playfully embarrassed by your spouse, or you may like doing the teasing.
Some subs (myself included) love something as simple as making their Dom a cup of coffee in the morning, made exactly how they know their Dom loves it, and serving it to them. For whatever reason, a service act like that is a huge turn on to a submissive and is a way of flirting with the Dom. In return, my Dom appreciates this type of flirting because it means something much deeper to him.
In the same way a Dom may get his sub an elaborate gift or take her out for a wonderful meal just because she gave him an incredible blowjob the night before. Being kinky means romance is going to get a little kinky.
Another thing to keep in mind and this goes along with making Kink lists and profiles is that your spouse and you whether your are a Dom or sub in the relationship, are on equal ground as human beings. You both equally have dreams and passions in your lives that should be equally important to both parties involved. Even if you live a D/s dynamic, you mutually respect one another’s goals and communicate about things outside your dynamic.
For my husband and I, being parents while also having a kinky relationship has helped us find that beautiful ground of enjoying what the other craves, but also making decisions together about our children and life. We have committed that decisions are together in major purchases, decisions are together in things like where we live, what we are going to eat, where to vacation, etc. I may be a sub in our sexual and romance dynamics, but I’m an equal when it comes to our life. I have my outlets, my husband has his, and then we have things we like doing together just because we both enjoy them, like watching movies, boating, writing, swimming, hiking, dog showing, business, all of these things are completely outside of our sexual and flirting dynamics. Since we are Christians we believe that everyone is equal in God’s eyes, this reinstates our desires to always feel on the same page in life and love.
Romancing each other is important in a kinky dynamic, it may be a little different than the typical romancing, but it’s really not all that different. Make time for each other and strive to be best friends.
Trust Isn’t an Option
Trust is key to a maintaining a good marriage kink relationship. If you don’t trust your spouse or your spouse doesn’t trust you everything will crumble. With this trust comes the ability to be closer to your spouse than you never thought possible, but as with anything that involves a great deal of trust, it can also be risky if you break that trust while playing. Here are some great ways of keeping your trust alive:
Use safe words when needed – You can break your Dom’s trust if you later complain about something you didn’t use a safe word for and are not in your hard limits.
Don’t EVER break a hard limit – You can scar your spouse mentally and emotionally, this is not a “love comes first” kind of behavior.
Be safe – Don’t do anything you know isn’t safe. Period. Keep it off your Kink profile and list. If you’re the Dom, don’t do something you know will hurt your partner even if since they are a masochist don’t care. Always research before trying any kind of impact play.
Don’t bring kink into your arguments – you’ll have your fights like any couple, but don’t take the kink into your fights. Don’t say, “Since I’m the Dom you have to listen to me.” Or “I give you foot massages every night as a submissive ritual… thus you owe me…”
Personally I believe if kink is brought into your fights, chances are you might not actually be kinky. Instead you are just seeking a way to manipulate your spouse.
When Kink isn’t for you
Kink is not for you if you can’t use a safe word when needed. It also isn’t for you if you can’t enforce self-restraint when giving out playful discipline. Don’t ever consent to anything that prohibits you from being a fully functioning member of society who has their own dreams and goals outside their sexual life. Kink shouldn’t be your god or religion. It also is not an excuse for a mental condition or mental illness to be acted on where you are self-abusive or are abusing someone else.
How Far is too Far?
There are some pretty disturbing kinky relationships out there. I’m pretty open minded about things kinky (obviously, since I act kinky with my husband) but there are just some situations that I believe take things to a level that Christians or any moral human-respecting person, just shouldn’t go. Any situation where the Dom is worshiped like a deity is bad news to me. Oh, and you should never give a Dom so much power over you that they keep you that they control every aspect of your life. Not only is this unhealthy, it is simply disturbing and quite frankly abusive no matter how they manipulated you into it being “consensual”. Oh, and then there are stories of women and men who had to go to the hospital with limbs nearly torn off during a kinky act with their partner. There are situations of physical and mental abuse from restraining situations where a sub was left restrained somewhere for a long period of time. Never do anything that will cause harm, mentally, emotionally, or physically. (Note: I believe Blondie wrote an excellent post on this earlier this year.)
Love Comes First
There may be days where you just want to have vanilla sex and vanilla sex is great! In order to make a good sex cake I believe vanilla needs to stay in the mix. Sometimes you’ll have a kink session that doesn’t include sex at all, just a lot of flirting, spanking, or role play. Be open to trying new things, but respect one another’s feelings and boundaries as well. Allow yourselves to love one another and let that love be the cake you frost with your kinks.
Silver, you always bring something interesting to the discussion. Thanks for being you!
Thanks, Eva, it is really sweet of you to say that! 🙂
You know I love your stories Silver! Can’t wait to read more!
I don’t know what you’re talking about, the Bible never said straight intercourse is the only kind of sexual experience with your spouse you can have, have you read Song of Songs? 😛 And as for what Christians are “allowed” I don’t know what you mean by that either. I was only saying the book isn’t going to cover what I mentioned that some may consider under the headline of “kink”. I was just trying to explain what the book covers. And like I said, usually when someone says they are kinky they’re talking about Bdsm kind of play.
I for one am very interested if you are going to talk about sex toys in your book. I can’t think of much discussion on that topic on this site, except for vibrators, but there’s some fun stuff out there that’s worth talking about! Nipple clamps are a personal favorite!
lol Eva! You speak my language! I like me some nipple clamps toO! And there WILL be talk in it on toys other than vibrators 😉
I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with vibrators. I enjoy those too of course. 😉
Nope, nothing wrong with vibrators… hehe
well done Silver… Looking… mmmm this didn't shake things up like I thought it would…
I was just taking a break for a week or two.
Can’t wait Silver! God bless girl and stay horny!
GG
Silver, loving the tutorial! Although whether or not my hubby and I act on it is a different story… You mention “vanilla” sex, I’d love to read a “vanilla” story from you sometime, just to mix things up, and see how you and X incorporate that 🙂
I’m glad this is here. Wifey and I have been wanting to get the book for a while but we weren’t sure and the reviews while high praise don’t give much insight into what it’s about.
I just happened to be going through the BDSM and Kink section here and found this post so thanks for sharing.
You’ll have another sale shortly 😉
Oh thank you! I hope you both enjoy it and I would so appreciate a review on amazon when you’re done! 😀 God bless!
Silver, I just wanted you to know that my husband and I got your book and it was such a huge help! Such an easy read and answered every single question we had about Kink and BDSM. I am writing a review on Amazon as soon as I can! Thank you for everything!
You are so welcome, CMLove! Thank you for your kind words I am so glad it helped you two out! Thank you also for the review. Happy playing!
Great article, and Marriage kink book is awesome too. It has been very helpful to my wife and I
I really loved your other stories from a couple years ago but I can't find them did u delete them?? They were so hot tho ? they were better than others!!
Thank you for your advice. Will get the book. I am the kinky one, but my wife does things that I like and is comfortable with it.
Tony, last time we checked, Silver's book is out of print. But you may be able to find a used copy floating around somewhere.
Silver's identity was unfortunately found out by someone close to her and she removed herself from a lot of the communities she was a part of including removing her book from print. It's sad that's something she had to do, and I pray there is a day when all of us here can be as open as we want without having to worry about the backlash of family and friends discovering and causing us to leave.
Thank you for that. I noticed it wasn't on kindle on Amazon. I'll see if someone has a second hand copy.