A Beginner’s Guide to Domination and Submission

A MH member, Horny Hubby, asked me about what a couple from MH could do to try out some kinky marriage play. Well, I think some of the best ways to start is to try everything light, like spanking during foreplay, using household items like scarves to restrain instead of purchasing restraints or handcuffs or buying some sexy BDSM themed lingerie. 

Know going into it that not everyone is into this kind of play. If you’re into it, you’re into it, if not it doesn’t mean your sex life is boring, less exciting, or less orgasmic,  just that you’re not into this type of kink. I do believe every couple however has just a little kinky side to them.

First I’d like to state keeping things in moderation and in the mode of fun is important during Domination and submission. I think that if you get too wrapped up in the seriousness of playing you can also take away from the fun and go down an unhealthy, unbalanced route. Never let this sexual lifestyle turn abusive, as with any relationship it can get ugly if it becomes unbalanced. At the heart of our relationship my husband and I view each other as equal parts in our marriage and in God’s eyes.

Some Kinky Lingo

Scene – A play date where kink is involved is often called a scene.

Dominant – The dominant partner in the relationship. A Dominant can be a male or a female person and the female counter part is often known as a Domme or Dominatrix.

submissive – The submissive partner in the relationship. A submissive can be a male or a female person.

Safe words/control words Words D/s participants will use in order to keep things safe, sane, and consensual.

Switch – a person who will switch between Dominant and submissive roles during play.

BDSM – An acronym for bondage, dominance/discipline, submission/sadism, master/masochist. It can mean different things for different couples. To my husband and I it means bondage, dominance, submission, master. Although I tend to call him “my lord” more often than master, it depends on the play.

Fetish – Something you particularly enjoy doing during sex. You ever heard of someone having a foot fetish? Well, it means they see feet in a sexual way.

Role-Playing – When a sub and dom take on roles during a scene. Such as Master/Pleasure Slave, Cop/Robber, Doctor/Patient, etc.

Hard Limit – Something you won’t do during a scene.

Soft Limit – Something you are on the fence on, you may like it, you may not, but you are willing to give it a try. A soft limit can turn into a hard limit or it can become something you enjoy.

Before doing anything D/s pick out a safe word system. A common safe word system is “yellow” for if something is becoming to harsh and “red” to tell him to stop completely. For example if my Dom is using a flogger on me I’ll say, “yellow” if I want him to ease up but not stop, but if I feel like it is too much and I want him to stop completely I’ll say, “red.” The same goes for anything that is potentially harmful.

As a submissive it is important to never put yourself at risk and to remain sane during a scene. You need to let your Dominant know if something is too strong for you. I also believe as a Dominant that you should never actually harm your submissive. You need to have control of yourself if you are sadistic type of Dom. You need to think of your submissive’s safety and know sometimes they won’t use safe words when they should, especially if you have a masochistic sub.

Okay, so you’re still wanting to try out some kink? Great! Go over with your spouse what they believe are hard limits and soft limits, then talk about what you DO want to especially try (e.i. blindfolding, role-play fantasies, restraints, particular fetishes you have, etc) Open communication is very important in this. Don’t be afraid to say what you’d like to try, but also don’t rush into doing anything too crazy like elaborate role playing right from the get go.

Here are four things that can get your feet wet and see if you like a little D/s play. Everything you do should be consensual and agreed upon beforehand and you should with your spouse decide whether you want to try any of these things. Your spouse needs to be 100% percent on board with you dominating them! Something NEVER to do when engaging in D/s play is to break your spouse’s trust. When your spouse is being a submissive they are giving you a great gift in giving that much trust to you. If you misuse that trust and hurt them or scare them it will have serious repercussions. Never misuse a submissive’s trust in you it is a very special gift.

Pin or restrain your spouse in place during sex

If you are a female dominant (Domme) than you probably should use restraints. It’s fun to be a naughty submissive and fight back at times. My Dom likes it when I fight back against a restraint or pin, it tests his strength and I love to feel him overpower me (IMPORTANT NOTE: this is CONSENSUAL overpowering play, he has my permission to do this to me.) You don’t have to talk dirty while doing this, but if it flows and works, do it! I love it when my Dom whispers in my ear words of power like, “You not going anywhere.” or “You like it when I possess you like this, don’t you, dirty girl?”

Spank your spouse

Either you like spanking or you don’t. This will be easy to figure out. A good way to know is to give your spouse a good hard spank (single slap) during an orgasm, if it makes their pleasure better, you know you have a spouse who will enjoy a good spank or two, if not, then let off on the pain/pleasure play. Using dirty talk like, “you naughty boy/girl” is usually a turn on to the submissive who likes this kind of play.

Blindfold your spouse

Blindfold play is a lot of fun as it deprives you of one of your senses and can enhance the others. It’s super fun to not know what is going to happen next and to trust your spouse so completely. Use your tongue on them, a feather duster, or even give them a spanking. Your imagination and a playful spirit is key to blindfolding fun. You can combine blindfolding with restraints, but I don’t recommend necessarily starting out that way, you need to grow the trust between the two of you. 

Yes, milord/ Yes, milady….

Let’s say you want your wife to be your pleasure slave who will do fellatio, strip tease, or sexily dance for your enjoyment? Well, tonight is the night to do that! You’re the boss! Tell your pleasure slave what you want and she’ll do it willingly because her entire heart is into serving you. It can go the other way around if you’re the female Domme. (Of course, make sure whatever you ask of them is agreed that they are okay with doing it beforehand) Tell him what you want him to do. It can go non-sexual too… like ask for a back massage or have him do the dishes or give you a bath. But, remember, you need to reward your “pleasure slave” with a few orgasms or an expensive dinner afterward because they were such a good girl/boy. 😉

I hope to hear comments from anyone who tried out any of these beginner’s kink scenes! Happy and safe playing to you and your spouse!


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35 replies
  1. HornyHubby says:

    Thanks, Silver! Great post…very informative. Your explanations of this (in this post and your first) have shown me this type of play isn’t automatically sick or perverted. Are there people out there who take it too far? Yes. Are there people who are sick and who were sexually abused and now use this to “punish” their abuser? Yes. But you’ve shown me that it isn’t all like that or automatically like that. In fact I can see now how this could be a great trust builder. If you’re going to voluntarily be tied up and then spanked then you really, really have to trust the person tying you up and spanking you. So I can see how this can foster closeness, trust and intimacy in a healthy relationship. You mentioned that you think every couple has some level of kink. I am inclined to agree. I think couples that don’t act on it hold back out of fear and/ignorance. And religious upbringing that says good Christians don’t do that. Would you agree that different people have different levels of kink? Like some may just talk dirty..while others add spanking…others add tying up…others add blindfolding..and still others go all out and have all kinds of props and tools they use? But even the talking dirty is kinky. So if you engage in dirty talk then you’re being kinky? And kinky isn’t limited to whips and leather and tying up etc? I was just thinking about people who may engage in dirty talk but don’t think of it as kinky but then refuse to do the tying up stuff because they don’t want “get into that kinky stuff.” Even though they already are, they just don’t realize it. Make sense?

    • Silver says:

      I understand what you’re saying, I do agree, I think just about every couple is into something that another couple might consider “kinky”. I think there are also certain people who desire a certain kind kink in order to feel most loved. I once told a close friend of mine (someone I am okay with knowing I am kinky) how I wasn’t sure if what my husband and I do is considered lovemaking, she told me that for me the rough stuff IS lovemaking. I’d never really thought of it that way and it made me feel a little less different than most couples i know. 🙂

  2. Happy-Spouse says:

    My wife and I love doing this, she’s the Dom. & I’m the sub. We both love it this way & it gives us the sexually satisfaction we both love.

  3. Robert says:

    Silver- This is excellently laid out giving a very detailed description of the basics involved in a D/s relationship!!!! One thing I like also is the *switch* aspect. I am Dom but can switch to sub under the right circumstances especially if my *signiicant other* knows how to take on a Domme role. Happy playtime!!!

  4. hornyGG says:

    Great post Silver! I have often fantasized about maybe dominating Ben ( mainly when I masturbate ). We have talked about it and he seems intrigued. We haven’t done it as of yet , but hopefully soon. Thanks again! God bless you and stay horny my dear!


  5. kelly says:

    I just married a religious man. I am to but I am very sexual. He believes masterbation is wrong and is pretty straight laced. When he’s at work I use a vibrator and I masterbate. I feel so guilty. I want him to do so many things with me he won’t do and I want to tell him to fuck me and eat me out. I want to suck him inside out. When he calls me I finger my pussy and he’s clueless. I want to watch him jack off in my face. Is this wrong of me? I have a big dildo in me now and I have had two orgasms already. I’d give anything if he’d wake up tomorrow and tell me to sit on his face. I’m awful.

    • Silver says:

      Kelly, I think you should have an honest conversation about this with him. Also I highly recommend you show him this site. It might open his mind up to what other Christians are doing and unashamed of. There is also an wonderful post by Lovinghusband on masturbation that he should read!

    • Eva says:

      Kelly, I really hope you and your husband can come together on this issue and find some common ground. I remember early on in my marriage I bought myself a collar because I really wanted my husband to put it on me…he was mortified! He had no idea what to do with it and eventually I just threw the thing away in frustration. This happened maybe 7 or 8 years ago and we’d both kinda forgotten about it. Well, I guess our sex lives have come a long way in 7 years because about a month ago he, of his own volition, placed a rather large order at adamandeve.com and guess what he bought? A bright red collar just for me!

      Change is possible. It can take a lot of time and a lot of open communication and a lot of trust. And some good reading material might help too to get the conversation going. Someone on this site recently recommended a new book that’s out called Sex and the Spirit…I just downloaded it this morning so I can’t personally recommend it yet, but perhaps he’d be open to reading that book or another Christian book on the subject with you.

      You’ve got it bad, girl! I’ll be praying for you! Oh…and can I just say how hot it is that you masturbate when you are on the phone with him! Your desire is for your husband, and that is a beautiful thing!

    • Silver says:

      Your husband bought you a bright red collar, Eva? Ooooo I hope you have a story coming up there, girl! 😀

    • HornyHubby says:

      Eva, who is the author of that book “Sex and the Spirit?” I would be interested in checking it out sometime but want to make sure I get the right one.

    • Tony conrad says:

      If that is you it is you and it will feel right. My wife is kind of a prude in some ways. She is not comfortable with oral and masturbation in the sense that she won't do it so I can watch. The big blessing though is that she is comfortable using a paddle and that makes up for everything. This is not domination but a requested dominating behaviour which I ask for. there is a difference. I am the dominant one in the marriage relationship but I don't dominate her if you know what I mean.

  6. hapster says:

    Kelly, have you made your husband part of your masturbation routine? Have you verbalized and/or acted on your sexual desires with him? Maybe you should try those things after he has become arouse and his thoughts are focused on you? I think that many husbands would love for their wives to have the desires that you do, but God has blessed us in other ways. However, you have nothing to be ashamed of and you are not awful. You have physical and sexual needs and hopefully your husband will be willing to grow to satisfy them.

    • Tony conrad says:

      You are right. I would find a wife like Kelly very sexy. It is not my wife though and it wouldn't work with her. Thank God He made you as you are. I am jealous.

  7. Lovinghusband says:

    Kelly – give it some time and some prayer. You said that you just married. Some things take time. Be patient. Hopefully, over time you will see him open up to the things you desire. It may come faster than you think. In the meantime, love him with all you have. Hopefully, you can talk (and read) with him about masturbation – and how he is the focus of your fantasies.
    I’m going to pray for you both. Try to be content with what you have and pray for God to open more doors in His time.

    • Tony conrad says:

      Her is right. I am amazed at what we do now compared to when we were first married. It took me five years to tell my wife I would love to be spanked. It has really added to our foreplay over the years.

  8. Sommer Smith says:

    I read Fifty Shades of Grey. I didnt know much about bdsm before I read it. My husband and I got married in May. Well one of my friends gave me a pleasure kit for my bachelorette party. Mask, handcuffs, and whip. We had never really done anything along the lines of bdsm before. I had this kit so I wanted to try it. I wouldnt do this with anyone but my husband. If I were single, I wouldnt do this on a random date. Hes my husband and we both want to pleasure each other. He blindfolded and handcuffed me. Not being able to see what he was about to do next really turned me on. He would lightly graze me with his fingertips, then he would stop, then a few minutes later in a different area. He did this for 20 minutes or so driving me wild! When we made love he held my legs straight up (not my favorite position), but this time I liked it. I didnt put up a fight. With him dominating me I wanted to be in this position because he loves it! Im no prude, I just dont want to go into too much detail and be banned from this site. Im a woman with a very high sex drive!

    • Silver says:

      Sommer, I don’t think you’d be banned from this site if you shared about you and your husband’s kinky night! They’ve published my stories on here, I’m sure other D/s couples on this site would love to have you write on it! 🙂 Sounds like you had a fun time with the toys you got. Lord X gave me the hottest spanking last night.

      Ps. I have a high sex drive too!

    • Tony conrad says:

      We need to learn though and not be tittilated by others. That is our wife's job and ours for them.

    • hornyGG says:

      Hahaha! Real funny Ben, my love. For a man who prefers to stay in the background, you sure have been a posting maniac! Are you sure you’re my husband? Hehe!

      Silver, you must excuse my husband, he is a certified looney bird! Lol. Of course I married the big lug, so what does that make me! Lol.

      Love you! My big looney bird!

  9. PennY Laine says:

    Silver, glad I found this article. It gave me a far better understanding of what you are talking about. I guess some of those things I have done and enjoyed, others I have no clue why someone would want to do them. We are all different, certainly things I do others would not.

  10. Viotel Veiy says:

    I am very new here… If u Plz b kind to me… I have a question… That is does this site belong to only and only Christians? Can some one who belongs to other religion join in??? Plz reply…. And PS I love all of Silver’s Post’s… All r just terribly hot hot hot… Thanks u inspire me a lot.

  11. Tony Conrad says:

    I’ve been aware of this draw to spanking since I was about fifteen. I used to fantasise about being spanked by some of the more strict female teachers. I have since learned that the desire to be punished is wrong but the spanking part has never ever gone away. My wife is very comfortable in doing it but it is never punishment or domination, just fun.

    • Silver says:

      That’s great that you’ve been honest with your wife about liking it! I’m similar, love it when my Dom husband give me a nice playful spanking once in awhile.

  12. Sara says:

    Thank you for this article… I just recently have started thinking about heading down the bondage road. I was looking at some sort of restraint system as I do not have posts on our bed…. But, as of right now, not necessarily sure if I want to invest in one after reading this article. I am thinking more about starting with a blindfold, but then the question is how to keep DH’s hands to himself, other than slapping them away. Any suggestions?

    We have never done anything like this, and not sure if he would go for it full on, but a little blindfold play I think would be so much fun, and figured I would get the ball rolling.

    • Silver says:

      I don’t think you need a four poster bed to use restraints. Maybe get some simple leather handcuffs if you want him to keep his hands to himself and have him keep his cuffed hands over his head, if he moves them give him a playful swat and say, “Tonight, I’m calling the shots” or something similarly sexy and dominant. Good luck! Would love to hear how it worked out for you two! 🙂

  13. Tony conrad says:

    I fnd this subject fascinating but can easily get into the wrong area if I'm not careful. It is very helpful talking with christians. This desire doesn't go away after all these years so to discuss it in a sensible inciteful way is very helpful. Thank you Silver for getting the ball rolling.
    One thing I avoid is the punishment thing as that is very wrong for me. I can understand somebody using pretend punishment to get things going but I prefer to keep off of it as dominant play is one thing but real domination is ugly and controlling. It has to be fun..

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