A MH member, Horny Hubby, asked me about what a couple from MH could do to try out some kinky marriage play. Well, I think some of the best ways to start is to try everything light, like spanking during foreplay, using household items like scarves to restrain instead of purchasing restraints or handcuffs or buying some sexy BDSM themed lingerie.
Know going into it that not everyone is into this kind of play. If you’re into it, you’re into it, if not it doesn’t mean your sex life is boring, less exciting, or less orgasmic, just that you’re not into this type of kink. I do believe every couple however has just a little kinky side to them.
First I’d like to state keeping things in moderation and in the mode of fun is important during Domination and submission. I think that if you get too wrapped up in the seriousness of playing you can also take away from the fun and go down an unhealthy, unbalanced route. Never let this sexual lifestyle turn abusive, as with any relationship it can get ugly if it becomes unbalanced. At the heart of our relationship my husband and I view each other as equal parts in our marriage and in God’s eyes.
Some Kinky Lingo
Scene – A play date where kink is involved is often called a scene.
Dominant – The dominant partner in the relationship. A Dominant can be a male or a female person and the female counter part is often known as a Domme or Dominatrix.
submissive – The submissive partner in the relationship. A submissive can be a male or a female person.
Safe words/control words – Words D/s participants will use in order to keep things safe, sane, and consensual.
Switch – a person who will switch between Dominant and submissive roles during play.
BDSM – An acronym for bondage, dominance/discipline, submission/sadism, master/masochist. It can mean different things for different couples. To my husband and I it means bondage, dominance, submission, master. Although I tend to call him “my lord” more often than master, it depends on the play.
Fetish – Something you particularly enjoy doing during sex. You ever heard of someone having a foot fetish? Well, it means they see feet in a sexual way.
Role-Playing – When a sub and dom take on roles during a scene. Such as Master/Pleasure Slave, Cop/Robber, Doctor/Patient, etc.
Hard Limit – Something you won’t do during a scene.
Soft Limit – Something you are on the fence on, you may like it, you may not, but you are willing to give it a try. A soft limit can turn into a hard limit or it can become something you enjoy.
Before doing anything D/s pick out a safe word system. A common safe word system is “yellow” for if something is becoming to harsh and “red” to tell him to stop completely. For example if my Dom is using a flogger on me I’ll say, “yellow” if I want him to ease up but not stop, but if I feel like it is too much and I want him to stop completely I’ll say, “red.” The same goes for anything that is potentially harmful.
As a submissive it is important to never put yourself at risk and to remain sane during a scene. You need to let your Dominant know if something is too strong for you. I also believe as a Dominant that you should never actually harm your submissive. You need to have control of yourself if you are sadistic type of Dom. You need to think of your submissive’s safety and know sometimes they won’t use safe words when they should, especially if you have a masochistic sub.
Okay, so you’re still wanting to try out some kink? Great! Go over with your spouse what they believe are hard limits and soft limits, then talk about what you DO want to especially try (e.i. blindfolding, role-play fantasies, restraints, particular fetishes you have, etc) Open communication is very important in this. Don’t be afraid to say what you’d like to try, but also don’t rush into doing anything too crazy like elaborate role playing right from the get go.
Here are four things that can get your feet wet and see if you like a little D/s play. Everything you do should be consensual and agreed upon beforehand and you should with your spouse decide whether you want to try any of these things. Your spouse needs to be 100% percent on board with you dominating them! Something NEVER to do when engaging in D/s play is to break your spouse’s trust. When your spouse is being a submissive they are giving you a great gift in giving that much trust to you. If you misuse that trust and hurt them or scare them it will have serious repercussions. Never misuse a submissive’s trust in you it is a very special gift.
Pin or restrain your spouse in place during sex
If you are a female dominant (Domme) than you probably should use restraints. It’s fun to be a naughty submissive and fight back at times. My Dom likes it when I fight back against a restraint or pin, it tests his strength and I love to feel him overpower me (IMPORTANT NOTE: this is CONSENSUAL overpowering play, he has my permission to do this to me.) You don’t have to talk dirty while doing this, but if it flows and works, do it! I love it when my Dom whispers in my ear words of power like, “You not going anywhere.” or “You like it when I possess you like this, don’t you, dirty girl?”
Spank your spouse
Either you like spanking or you don’t. This will be easy to figure out. A good way to know is to give your spouse a good hard spank (single slap) during an orgasm, if it makes their pleasure better, you know you have a spouse who will enjoy a good spank or two, if not, then let off on the pain/pleasure play. Using dirty talk like, “you naughty boy/girl” is usually a turn on to the submissive who likes this kind of play.
Blindfold your spouse
Blindfold play is a lot of fun as it deprives you of one of your senses and can enhance the others. It’s super fun to not know what is going to happen next and to trust your spouse so completely. Use your tongue on them, a feather duster, or even give them a spanking. Your imagination and a playful spirit is key to blindfolding fun. You can combine blindfolding with restraints, but I don’t recommend necessarily starting out that way, you need to grow the trust between the two of you.
Yes, milord/ Yes, milady….
Let’s say you want your wife to be your pleasure slave who will do fellatio, strip tease, or sexily dance for your enjoyment? Well, tonight is the night to do that! You’re the boss! Tell your pleasure slave what you want and she’ll do it willingly because her entire heart is into serving you. It can go the other way around if you’re the female Domme. (Of course, make sure whatever you ask of them is agreed that they are okay with doing it beforehand) Tell him what you want him to do. It can go non-sexual too… like ask for a back massage or have him do the dishes or give you a bath. But, remember, you need to reward your “pleasure slave” with a few orgasms or an expensive dinner afterward because they were such a good girl/boy. 😉
I hope to hear comments from anyone who tried out any of these beginner’s kink scenes! Happy and safe playing to you and your spouse!