Dating Guidelines and Questions
Hello MH!
I have been a long-time member of this website, but this is my first post! A little bit of background for my life: I am an 18 year old college student and I’ve been a member of this site for around a year. I am a born-again, Bible-believing Christian and I want to serve God with my whole heart. I stumbled across this site by searching for some Christian perspective about sex, namely masturbation, and it really changed my view on a lot of things. I used to be addicted to pornography and masturbation, but this site helped me realize that while porn is a sin, masturbation isn’t. I now use the stories posted here to think about my future wife instead of focusing on an actress. MH has helped restore my relationship with God and has freed me from the guilt of masturbation.
Now that you know a bit about me, here are my questions. I’ve been dating a girl for a year and a few months, and I’m positive that she is going to be my future wife. God has blessed our relationship, and we both feel that He is leading us toward marriage. However, she is a little over a year younger than I am, so we are planning to wait for at least two years before getting married. My first question concerns physical boundaries. We know that having any kind of sex (oral, manual, or PIV) before marriage is wrong. However, we do make out often. Is making out a sin? Also, is heavy petting (not on genitalia, but on butts/breasts) sinful?
Also, I have one other question. I’ve been masturbating for over three years and it has become commonplace to me, but I feel as if my girlfriend should know. I’m afraid of what she would think, though. Is sharing to her that I masturbate too much information for a dating, unengaged couple? Should I share MH with her? If sharing those things with her isn’t wrong, how would you recommend doing it?
Thank you all for your help and inspiration!
PM
Hey PM! What excellent questions!! I too had the same questions when i was dating. My husband was my boyfriend at the time and we were very open about physical boundaries and what triggered “too much stimulation”. For example, he didn’t get aroused by a pat on the butt but i did so we rarely did that while we were dating because he was protecting my desire for pure thoughts. On the other hand I loved kissing his neck but it sometimes got too hot for him so i had to stop. I think listening when the Spirit would prick our consciences was the only way we got through it….that and being completely honest with each other and happily respecting the others’ boundaries. Concerning your masturbation, my husband told me about his sexual past (it was very heartbreaking) and his masturbation when we had been dating for about six months because he said he couldn’t bear the thought of us getting closer and then me leaving when i found out….kind of like “might as well get it over with before I’m too deep and lose half my heart in the process” he also told me early to ask my forgiveness for not keeping himself pure as God intended. So, i think you should really pray about telling your girlfriend. God loves you both so much and, if He has put you together to make you one, you might as well start the complete honesty right now rather than later. I hope this all made sense! I am so impressed with you and your desire for holiness! May God bless you and and keep you!! And your girlfriend too!!
Great advice!! Thank you dear!! 🙂 God bless you!
Aww thanks, PFC! Hope all is well with you! Love you, Sis!
Thank you very much for your comment, CMLove! What you said definitely spoke to me. I’ve already told her about my addiction to pornography, but I excluded the masturbation. I’m thinking heavily about talking with her about it, but I’m afraid that she might change her view of me. Do you think sharing that now is too much information, especially since we aren’t engaged?
Hi, Paul! Thanks for the reply! First, let me say that I admire you so much for your stand for holiness and purity in your dating relationship and I’m sure your girlfriend appreciates it too! God will bless you both for that! I remember you saying that you definitely feel she is the one God has chosen specifically for you but that you were both wanting to wait two years before you got married. I got married when I was eighteen and my husband was nineteen. Now, getting married young is not for everyone, I know, but God placed us on that path and we have never once regretted it (we’ve been married just shy of ten years and are so excited for the upcoming years!) I don’t know the circumstances surrounding your relationship so I am not saying, “Get married as soon as possible!” but I do want to stress the importance of openness with your future spouse. I think my first question would be is your girlfriend is a strong Christian? My relationship with Christ and belief that God wanted me to marry Mark were pretty much the only things that kept us together during those hard couple weeks (After he told me of his past). So, if your girlfriend has that relationship with God and if you are sure she will be your wife someday……then you two are going to stay together. Period. No matter how hard she may take this new information, God has knit your two hearts together and no person (not even you two) can tear your hearts apart. That’s what is so beautiful about “God-ordained marriage!” No amount of past happenings, present hardship, or future heartache will be able to separate you two. Go with confidence, brother. And do let her know how much you really love her and that is why you want your marriage to begin on the right foot- complete openness- and THAT is why you are sharing about your past. As my husband said, “I want our heart and souls to be ‘naked, and not ashamed’ before our our bodies are.” I am so sorry if this is all a bunch or ramblings!! Please take what you can from it and then blow the rest away with a breath of kindness! I admire you, brother. Stay strong and be led by the Spirit!
CMLove, I just wanna say a hearty thank you! Your ‘ramblings’ always prove to have wonderful guidance in them for me that I immensely cherish! I may share a little more of where I stand at in my adventure and how it feels to me right now… the ponderings of my heart… but I’ll probably do so a little later. Gotta clear my head first, so I won’t ramble too much 😉 Love you deeply, dear friend! Thank you for being a steady blessing to whoever comes in touch with you!! You are a beautiful light of and for Christ! God bless!!
Ps: Dear PM, I agree with CMLove’s praise for you and your desire to please God! I love to see this in you – the way you wanna do the right thing, the way you wanna honor, grow and learn, the way you reach out to seek counsel and advice from brothers and sisters in Christ with so much sweet loving respect! Big blessings on you and your girlfriend! Keep God first place – He will take care of everything 🙂
Thank you for the encouragement PFC! It means a lot!?
Paul… I do not believe that desire per se is in violation of Christian principles. The male body produces sperm that compels release. It is how we procreate.
As for conscious masturbation, I don’t believe you are any more guilty than if you had the proverbial ‘wet dream’ .
You said touch is limited, but nothing about looking. Have her dress provocatively (short cocktail dresses work for me). Sit across the room and simply express how her body affects you. Reaffirm her commitment to chastity, but ask her to pull no punches in what she wears around you. She may mention the age-old approbation against teasing men, but remember, that is in the context of deliberate manipulation. I don’t think it’s bad if the man asks for it.
Good luck!
Hello, and welcome! I would say that heavy petting is a sin, because you are touching each other where you shouldn’t until you are married. My husband never touched my intimate areas until our wedding night, and because of that it was very special. If you wait it’ll be more special. The bible talks about immorality and to stay away from it (1 Corinthians 6:18). The bible says to flee fornication. So leave off of the sexual touching, and save that for when you are married, it’ll be worth it. I can’t emphasize that enough, God wants what’s best for us. God bless you!
Awesome reminder. Thank you, Mrs. Harper! I’ll surely take it to heart and give heed to it when I’ll get to this point in a relationship. God bless you!!
Mrs. Thornton,
Thank you for your input! I always feel as if you have a wise approach to topics such as these. I had pretty much concluded what you summarized, but I just wanted to ask in case I was missing something. Also, what do you recommend to help keep us from committing the sin of heavy petting? It’s definitely a freshly weakness, so I wanted to know what you used to combat it in the past.
You’re so very welcome, PassionateForChrist and Paul Monk.
Well, when were were dating/engaged we would always go outside on our dates, movies, restaurants, anything public. Plus if we were in each other’s homes, for whatever reason, our family members were always there. We were always put off by the idea of sex before marriage anyway, but I don’t think one can be too careful. We also had curfews, especially me because I was still a minor when we met, so that helped too. If my husband hugged me, he’d always be careful not to touch my intimate areas, and likewise I did the same, being careful and all.
And then, our wedding night was just amazing, because we were now allowed to do what we couldn’t before, and I believe it’s because of abstaining, and of course God’s grace that we still have a great sex life. God bless you <3
Hello Paul. When I started reading this post, I thought for a second that it was written by myself about myself. As you can tell, I don’t have much more experience than you, but I just want to share a conviction that the Lord has laid heavily upon my heart. Whatever you do, don’t start a relationship, especially a relationship that you hope to raise a family out of with lies and deceit. It even extends beyond outright intent to deceive, she should know everything about you. She should know the man she is marrying, not the man you want her to think she’s marrying.
Great comment, David. Fully agree with you. And if I might add, I believe the same is true for the ladies too – he should know everything about her just as much. The first foundation of any relationship should be honesty – without it, it just can’t work. I’m in the middle of seeking my significant other right now. I am being extremely honest to whoever I talk to (all the more so as I seek for him online)… and, personally, it does give me assurance because I can know that, with all I share of my heart and life and convictions and all, if someone still stays and continues to talk to me (us both having a committed relationship in mind that would lead towards marriage), then I can be sure he probably really does like me. And what I personally like to do in the course of our initial conversations is that I sweetly yet directly encourage my matches to be open, honest and fearless in communication with me because I love that kind of communication and believe it to be a vital key in any kind of relationship… may be a little straightforward an approach for some but it usually works well with me. God bless you!
Completely agree, David! And great reminder, PFC, that the same is true of the ladies! I agree with your approach about being completely and wholly honest with the men you’re talking to…you are so right, the right one will adore you for your honesty! Probably a breath of fresh air for him! Your husband will be so blessed to have you for a wife! Love you, Girl!
So grateful to God that He added you unto my life through MH!! You are such a rock of faith and encouragement! May He bless you and reward you in manifold ways for all this love that you pour out of your heart! CMLove, you’ll be forever in my heart <33
Aww, that means the world to me! Thank you! And you will forever be in mine!
PM, Thank you for posting that!! Your heart for God is awesome! I can’t post any advice to this because I myself actually would be very grateful to get some advice on these questions that you’ve just asked. So, I really wanna encourage my MH fam to weigh in numerously on this and heartily – Thank you in advance for that!!! There are certainly many who seek guidance on these dating-season hot topics.
God bless you, PM, your precious girlfriend as well as the committed relationship that you share to the Glory of God!
PFC,
I’m really glad that my questions were applicable to others! It’s really nice to know that I’m not the only one with questions out there. 😛
Thank you! God bless you and your future relationship, as well! 😀
Wow cowboy. I know that it is obvious, but let me encourage you that the physical relationship is to be saved for the marriage bed. As hard as it may be, I think you need to step back a bit. Here are some thoughts. Commit your relationship to Him. You, with prayerful consideration, need to determine if she is the one. If she is then treat her with respect and wait. If she isn’t then treat her respect and walk away. If you are not sure, treat her with respect and pace your passion. Remember who she belongs to…God, and treat her in that way. Don’t dwell only on the negative—what you won’t do. Hebrews 10:24 tells us to “encourage one another to outbursts of love and good deeds.” Talk about how your friendship will build each other up. Rather than make innocent touching a prelude to other stuff, let it mean something…holding hands, hugs, arms around each other. Pray before your dates and ask God to enter into your time together. Don’t go it alone. If the attraction and temptation are too strong then limit your alone time. Do your dates with others. If she is the one, and 2 years seems too long, then ask for God’s timing. Perhaps He has a different schedule. I think masturbation can be a means to manage your fire and I fully support it, however; like everything it must be done in moderation and with pure thoughts. Until you are certain about the future with her, I would not bring the topic up right away. I think a discussion about sexual things should be a topic between the two of your before you get married, but the timing and scope of it need to be prayerfully considered. The discussion, like sexual acts themselves, are very intimate and should be treated that way. I applaud your seeking Godly wisdom. I also applaud your desire to do the right thing. I am sure that your past experiences with pornography make this stage of your life and dating a very difficult journey. God is big enough for this phase of your life and I encourage you to deepen your relationship with Him as you take this walk. I am praying for you.
Thank you, Caveman, for your response.
I have prayerfully considered most of what I asked, but I wanted to get some other opinions, as well. I concluded that my girlfriend is a gift from God, and I shouldn’t abuse His gift by sinning with her. It’s causing her and I both to sin, and it shows ungratefulness to God.
About talking with her… she already knows about my previous addiction to porn, but not masturbation. I’m still praying about it, but I feel like she needs to know at somepoint. Maybe not right now, but soon.
Thanks again for your help! I admire the godly advice you’ve given me!
PM
Excellent advice, Caveman! What wise words! I agree! Amen!
Caveman, I must applaud you for your wisdom. I think this is a very dangerous area and NOT an area or topic to be discussed at this stage in a relationship.
Hey! So glad to hear from you! And welcome to MH! I am excited to see the answers to this question that you’ve asked. I’ve been curious for a long time to hear how the MH family would answer something like this.
Before this conversation goes too far, though, I was thinking that I’d like to rephrase your questions a little. If you’ve been on here reading about masturbation, then you’ve probably read HornyHubby’s posts on the subject. If you haven’t, you should go back and read at least the first one. In that post, HH talks about rephrasing our questions in terms of love rather than in terms of sin. And I think for you rephrasing your current questions in this way might be helpful.
Here are some examples of how I’d rephrase your questions….is it more loving to share MH with your girl now when she has plenty of time to process it, or to surprise her with it on your honeymoon? Or is it more loving to just keep it a secret forever? Is it more loving to talk about masturbation now or to wait? Is it more loving to keep what you’ve learned about masturbation a secret or to share it with her so that she can feel freedom to explore her own body before her wedding night?
As for physical boundaries….I’d like to rephrase that part of your question too for you and also for the MH family as they think about responding to this question. Instead of trying to draw hypothetical lines for this young couple about where acceptable ends and sin begins, I’d be curious if we could talk instead about what we actually did in our own dating relationships. What did we actually do? What do we regret? What do we not regret? What helped us love and respect ourselves and our partners better? What diminished that love and respect? And are the answers to these questions different if we did or did not end up marrying the person we were physically involved with?
I think sometimes it’s hard for happily married Christian people to rewind time enough to be open and honest about the realities of being a horny single. But I think that if anyone can do this and do it well, it will be the MH family. So I’m hopeful that you’ve brought your questions to the right place and that you’ll get the kind of answers that will help strengthen your current relationship, your other possible future relationships, and your future marriage.
Eva,
I have read HornyHubby’s article, and it is what freed me from most of my guilt.
Wow. I never thought about rephrasig the questions like that. It makes me feel like I should definitely talk with her about it, or both of our good. Do you think it’s out of my place, though, especially since we aren’t engaged or anything? What are your thoughts?
With physical boundaries, I’ve lately realized (through prayer) that crossing lines is a disrespect to myself, her, and God. I think I’ll save that for a while. 😉
I have gotten amazing responses so far, and I hope for many more. This MH family is amazing.
Thanks again! PM
Beautiful and wonderful advice, Eva! I had not thought about rephrasing questions! what a great way to turn the conversation toward the grace of God and His gifts!
My wife was a virgin but not sexually pure when we started dating. I was neither a virgin nor sexually pure, but probably had less sexual experience than she had, even though her experiences were with only one boyfriend while I had been with several girlfriends. Our married relationship and our ability to experience totally uninhibited sex is still healing from these mutally inflicted wounds. I think your idea of openly discussing the limits of your intimate activity is a great idea. I also think that telling your girlfriend that you masturbate to keep yourself relieved and that she is welcome to do the same can take a great deal of pressure off of that aspect of the relationship, without making her feel that she cannot be a sexual being until you may be married. She should know that if she has such needs and urges, you support her having a healthy outlet.
HH,
Thank you for shedding a new light on the subject! I had never thought about it as a freeing conversation for her, as well. I’ll definitely take your words to heart.
I really see so much danger in this all. What would the steps be? Let us talk about how I masturbate and then I suggest that seeing that we now both do it and know about the other, we might as well masturbate together!?
This is a WIDE OPEN DOOR that will get you into sin. Maybe I am a prude in this area but I just see red lights and hear alarms going off in my head.
If you read my stories you will see that I am wild when it comes to making love to my wife, but the line is so thin when it come to sex before marriage and the devastation is just to big.
Amen! It very might be just as freeing to her as it is for you!
Thank you for all the great comments! Sorry to reply with so many questions, but I want to learn as much as I can, and I feel as if you all have very godly insight! God bless you all, MY family!
PM
*MH
Keep asking the questions, Paul! 🙂 You post is probably helping so many other singles as well! God blesses inquiring minds by giving them the truth, it’s the only way we grow. I admire your heart for Him!
Wow you’ve gotten some good advice on this so far. I would like to weigh in with a few more points.
1. Concerning the petting: I remember those days well my friend. My wife and I succumbed to that temptation more than a few times when we were dating. So the question is: What is the function of petting? It is the foreplay that leads to sex. So if you don’t want to have sex before marriage, don’t warm up the oven, so to speak. And I would strongly recommend you wait until marriage. My wife and I gave in to some petting, but never let it get out of hand. And we are so grateful we waited until marriage to have sex. That is a gift you can give each other only once. So don’t get hung up on whether or not it’s “sin.” Just keep in mind that the nature of petting is to lead to sex. If you don’t want to have sex yet, don’t engage in petting. And I know it’s easier said than done. But just find some boundaries that work for you guys. Maybe don’t be alone in the same room for too long. Or maybe set a time limit on the making out. Definitely don’t lay in the same bed together or on the couch. Stuff like that.
2. Concerning telling her about masturbating. YES! Definitely talk to her about this. I would also introduce her to the MH site. You know her so you know the best way to do it. Either gradually and one at a time or all at once. Your call. But you definitely need to have some serious conversations to get to know one another. But don’t do it while you’re lying down on the bed and home alone! That will lead to petting. Go out to dinner and just talk. Part of dating and courting is to get to know each other. And believe me, it’s better to get to know each other before marriage so there aren’t any surprises. And I don’t just mean sexually either. I’ve heard of people getting married and then telling their spouse they had thousands of dollars of debt. Or before marriage he thinks they’re going to have sex 4 times a week and she thinks they’re going to have sex 4 times a month! You can see where that’s headed! You also need to talk about whose family you will have Thanksgiving dinner with and which of you will take out the trash and pay the bills, etc. You’d be surprised how many people fight over something as simple as who is going to empty the trash! The point is to have some real, honest, heart to heart talks. Talk about your views of sex, life, God, family, money, your expectations, etc. You might start by asking her questions. What does she think about sex? What was she taught growing up? What were her parents’ views and what did they teach her? What did they model for her? And yes, what was she taught about masturbation? And regardless what she was taught, has she ever masturbated? Of course she will probably want to know your answers to all these questions too. So be prepared. But also you could ask her if she is comfortable with talking about sex. (Again take her to dinner so you aren’t tempted to jump each other!) Then if her views are very basic or if she has a “missionary only” view of sex, then maybe ask her if she is open to viewing it another way. Then maybe introduce her to the MH site. But don’t start with the stories. When my wife first starting reading things on here, she started with the blogs. That helped her to open up to the idea of more freedom in sexuality. Then once she finished all the blogs, she moved on to the stories. But if she doesn’t have the foundation of the blogs, the stories may turn her off. Or they may not. But I would start with the blogs just to be on the safe side. Then encourage her to start reading some stories on here and maybe even create her own screen name. (But don’t push her to write any though. Pressure isn’t sexy and it will turn her off from you and the site.)
The point is, yes have some real, honest, heart to heart talks about everything you can think of. It is better to do it now rather than after you’re married. You wouldn’t want to wait until you were married to find out that she hates the idea of sex and doesn’t want to talk about it and she views masturbation as a sin so she doesn’t want you to do it either! Then what would you do? But you also don’t want to find out there is major drama in her family and then you get sucked into it. You would need to deal with stuff like that too and establish a game plan together for how you’re going to handle that drama together. If she hates it but doesn’t know how to say no to them, you can help with that. But if she enjoys it (and some people do!) then she’s going to want you to join in with her. I would talk about that before getting married. In addition to expectations sexually.
Hopefully this gives you a good starting point for the conversation. I would love to hear how it goes. Maybe your next post can be a review or summary of the conversation and how it goes. Hope to hear from you on this later! And I hope this helps!
Thanks for your comment, HornyHubby! I always loon forward to hearing your godly, wise perspective.
I’ve decided to draw a strict boundary for petting. I felt convicted to do so by God, but your comment (among others) have left me assured in that call.
About masturbation… I’ve decided that I need to talk with her about it, but I can’t decide when. Do you think it’s better to tell her now before we continue further or to wait until she’s a little bit older and we’ve had more time together? That’s the thing I’m struggling with. Also, you’re approach to how to talk (publicly and not alone) was very wise as well. Thanks again!
PM
Wow some tough questions. Without knowing your girlfriend I can only say so much.
1. My son at 18 was different than at 20. He was all gung ho to get married then and now not as much. The point is Marriage is a big deal and is to be entered when two people are ready and healthy in themselves. At this point it is very easy to believe she is the one ….and she may be but people change at your age a lot in 2 years so you don;’t want to get physically involved and create issues and ties that would make things harder in the future which ever way things go..Feeding the temptation with “making out” can back fire…. either produce a lot of guilt as you go further and further or cause one or both of you to say forget the guilt I am doing it my way and just going for it and who needs Gods way…Not a good place to go
My wife and I were heavy “petters” before marriage several times and it was NOT a good thing. It was brought up 30 years later in conversation in reference to the damage it did in my wife’s heart. You will not regret waiting or keeping your hands to yourself (no pun intended. LOL) she will respect you later for it. It damaged my wife’s respect for me, and that is a big deal later in a relationship
As for telling her about masturbation that is a tough one as you are not engaged or married and she might find that too much. I just really don’t know what to say on that one. I would wait I think and when you do talk about it approach it slowly and with prayer.
As for telling her about this site same thing. I don’t know her mind at all but I would proceed with caution. Not everyone is ok with this type of site and I fully get it and I think many off us wonder about it also. Some time on here seems reasonable to learn a bit and get help but then I think we feed off each others sexuality and that is why I may have to stop coming here as lets face it I can come up with ideas on my own now….At your age I think guys can masturbate so easily they hardly need to think about too much detail anyway..lol
I think caveman up the thread has good advice
Something you might want to be aware of is this is a site with very sexually experienced people writing on it. If you have this in your mind too much you may get married and start pushing some of this stuff to happen in your own marriage too fast and cause problems. Let your sex life grow more organically and naturally in your first years together. Learn what’s needed sure but after that Build your own experiences and stories and don’t feed off others too much.
Don’t know if this helps or makes it worse but I am glad you are out of porn and I will pray for you
John,
Thanm you for being open about sharing your past. It really shed a light on the situation to hear someone’s personal testimony.
I’m going to take my time with telling her about MH. I feel like she might be a little bit too young and might not receive it well.
Thanks again! PM
I agree very much with the more in depth comments made by Horny Hubby. Now that I think about it, I am not sure how an 17 or 18 year old woman might react to her boyfriend telling her that he was masturbating, and whether she would EVER admit to doing the same. A strong level of commitment needs to be present befroe such a conversation would likely lead to a positive or accurate outcome. With that said, if that level of understanding and committment is there, it could be a wonderfully liberating discussion.
Happy Husband,
That is what I’m most worried about. We’ve both been open and honest about past mistakes, but I don’t know if telling her about my masturbation crosses the line. At least for now. Maybe with more time.
Thank you for the insight! PM
Hey, I just wanna give a hearty, intermittent Thank you!! to the MH community who has thus far already weighed in on this post. I am amazed at the wealth of wisdom shared!
Dear Caveman, thank you for your invaluable reminder as to the pursuit of purity and honoring each other properly, for we are God’s! So important. Thank you!!
Dear Eva, your comment deeply touched my heart as I read it. Thank you for the perspective you’ve shared! I truly haven’t thought of it so far from this angle. Much love to you!
Dear HornyHubby, your post on a Christian biblical perspective on Masturbation was the very first post that impacted me on here, and since I’ve become a member of MH, the wisdom you share has always been insightful and helpful to me. Thank you!
Dear John Flint, thank you for weighing in also! You shared some valuable points.
Basically what I wanna say is… I am so grateful for you all!!! Keep the comments coming! They are greatly appreciated, for sure!
Amen! Ditto to everything Passionate just wrote! I dont have time to name you all but know that all your wisdom is much appreciated by all of us!
Just as PFC said, thank you to all who have given me sound, godly advice. I knew I came to the right place! Y’all are awesome!
Well, I’ve concluded through your comments, reading scripture, and prayer that physical contact in intimate areas wouldn’t please God and could ultimately be destructive for us both.
I’ve decided to tell her about masturbation, but maybe not yet. I don’t know. I can’t decide if telling her soon and being honest would be better than letting us both mature more before I tell her. Any other comments regarding that would be helpful. I don’t want to cross a line that wouldn’t be there in a year or two based on our maturity, but I don’t want to keep it from her if I don’t need to.
As far as sharing MH with her… That draws a bit more hesitancy. I think I might save that for even longer, depending on when/how the masturbation talk goes down. I don’t want it to be a turn off for her because of age/maturity.
Any more helpful comments regarding the optimal timing (sooner or later) about sharing my masturbation habit with ther would be greatly appreciated! Thanks again for your help this far, and God bless!
PM
Also, I might add that we are both strong, devout Christians and that we both want nothing more than to honor God with our relationship. I feel as if I need to share that part of myself with her, but in appropriate timing. I don’t want to damage our relationship (although I don’t think it would), but it might be a “TMI” situation. I’m all ears for any other pointers concerning proper timing! Thank you!
Is there room for some differing opinions? I would be considered hugely conservative in the “world culture” but “hugely liberal” in this community. Is it wrong (ie. Sinful) to make out – even to the point of orgasm? I say no. We have to be careful to clearly identify what is a God-given rule and what is a man-made rule. Those who say heavy petting is “wrong” are sharing a personal opinion that they are entitled to. But if they are claiming it is Biblical Truth, then they are taking extreme liberties in personal interpretation. Now, on the flip side, is that kind of physical relationship always beneficial? I’d also say no. There are people in this community that needed to set the boundary very conservative b/c they couldn’t trust themselves to stop. There are others who were able to have a very physical relationship without going all the way. Also in this community, there are those who have had deep regrets from petting & making out, and there are still others who have almost no regrets of their premarital physical relationship. The point being that it’s nice to hear different people’s experience and advice — but not one of us can claim to know the ultimate Truth on this subject because (a) the Bible doesn’t address topics like dating and masturbation, and (b) we are all different and each relationship is unique.
As far as the masturbation talk, I’d say lead with questions, not a “confession.” If you ask interesting questions, you’ll probably get those questions asked right back to you. Something like “You probably know guys think about sex a lot – do girls think about it all that much? ….What do you do to cope with sexual urges when they arise?” Listen. Learn. And the. Be prepared to share. DON’T start with “Honey, we need to talk…”
So glad you were brave enough to post this, PacMan! I agree.
I personally had a lot of sexual experience with a small handful of boyfriends before marriage, though I never actually had p in v sex. (And as you said above, we never had trouble maintaining p in v as the ultimate boundary because there are other ways to orgasm).
I wish I could remember my emotional state from all those years ago better. I know I had moments of intense guilt over my sexuality when I was single. I worried what people from church would think. I worried that my future husband would find me tainted. But yet, when I had boyfriends (which was actually not that often), I was always the leader in pushing the physical limits and trying new things.
It turned out that I married a strong Christian boy who loves my sexual past. He thinks it’s incredibly hot, and loves the idea that my sexuality is so important to me. And he has a fairly similar sexual past of his own which I have learned a lot from.
There have been a couple times in our marriage where someone’s sexual history has presented some small contention, but just like anything else that comes up in our marriage, we’ve talked about it, dealt with it, and moved on.
Now that I am happily married, and because of my husbands attitude about my sexual past, I can’t say I honestly have any guilt over any specific sexual premarital acts. I do have some remorse over the context that some of those acts took place, though. One boy was more into me than I was him, and I feel bad I strung him along. One boy had a lot of guilt instilled in him my his church, and our physical relationship caused him a lot of emotional anguish that could have been avoided if I’d been able to keep my hands off him. So I feel badly that I let my hormones guide me more than I let love guide me. But I do not feel guilt for things my husband and I did before we were married. We were equally and deeply committed to each other and both of us were in agreement about the level of physical intimacy we wanted in our relationship. And I don’t think my lack of guilt is just because we got married in the end either. My husband had a long term girlfriend a few years before he and I dated. And he had the same sort of relationship with her. They loved and respected each other and they cautiously and gradually explored sexuality together when they were in mutual agreement for doing so. They broke up when they realized their life directions were incompatible, but to this day they both speak very highly and respectfully of each other.
So I don’t know. Those are our experiences. And because of them, I get incredibly uncomfortable whenever Christians go around talking about sexual boundaries as if they are some sort ironclad absolute. I would much rather see Christians spending their time talking about how we can be loving, honest, respectful, forgiving, and vulnerable with our partners. Those are the characteristics that actually make for healthy relationships. And in my experience, if the relationship is healthy, the sexuality that is a part of that relationship is going to be healthy…and if the relationship isn’t healthy, the sexuality isn’t going to be healthy…whether the participants are married or not.
I am more on this boat as well, I think everyone has different opinions and comfort zones on this topic. I respect those who choose to wait on touching, but my husband and I didn’t following the “no petting” rule while dating, but it wasn’t like we immediately started doing that either, and I don’t think relationships should start with that kind of physicality, because it’s best to first be about figuring out if you’re compatible in a social and emotional sense, yes, the attraction should be there, but are you going out with someone you could see yourself having a future with based on what you know? If the answer is no, physicality is pointless and the relationship should be called off. I’d definitely tell any young person that dating with purpose is important as a Christian, but don’t just get married because you want to have sex, get married because this person will make an wonderful spouse for you and you for them. Like Eva, I too get uncomfortable when talking about physicality and what is right and wrong. We didn’t follow all the rules it seems many have, but our relationship is strong, we have a ton of sex still, we love being with each other and are deeply devoted, and have the same dreams for our lives.
Paul and PacMan- I was just rereading PacMans advice about asking questions to lead up to the masturbation conversation rather than set it up as a confession. And I totally had to laugh. I distinctly remember the first time I ever talked to another human being about masturbation. I was in 11th grade and I was on AOL (ack!) IMing a guy from school who I was interested in. And he opened up the conversation the exact same way. He was talking about statistically how many times an hour guys think about sex and he was trying to get me to figure out how often I thought about sex. And then he switched to talking about how often guys masturbate and how often girls masturbate, and after divulging to me how frequently he did it, he asked if I’d ever done it. I was a good little church girl in 11th grade. I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet. But I remember finding that conversation very interesting and very hot. But thinking back to that conversation, I think part of what helped me accept it was that he had an assumption that masturbation was a normal thing for people to do, and he had some statistics to back those assumptions up. And I had in fact masturbated plenty, so in my case, all he had to do was convince me it was safe to admit to it. And I did. 🙂
Okay, MH family. I think I’m going to talk with her about my masturbation tomorrow. Any last words of advice before I dive in headlong? 😉
Thank you all for your wisdom, edification, and concern for me! You all are such a blessing. 🙂
PM
I was thinking about this more today and was wondering if you necessarily need to have the whole conversation all at once. I was wondering if the word masturbation has ever even come up in a conversation between the two of you….or if you’ve ever even been in each other’s presence when someone else said the word. I was wondering if it might be wise to just slip the word into conversation sometime without the goal of actually talking about it, without the goal of admitting to anything, just to see how she reacts. For some Christian girls masturbation just isn’t something they’ve ever even thought of before….it’s not the same sort of inevitable right of passage for girls that it is for guys. So I wonder if there might be wisdom in putting the idea out there as a trial first just to gauge where she’s at. It might give you some direction about how to proceed.
Read this comment too late to give any advice, but know that I’ve been thinking about you and I’m praying for you! We love you, brother! May God speak through you and may He bless your conversation!
Dear PM
I am just so blessed to see young men like yourself asking questions! Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you , dilligently seek him , pour out your heart to the one who created you, he knows what your girlfriend can handle and exactly the right timing and how far to go and all of those things! I pray God will fill you up to overflowing with wisdom well beyond your years and will fufill your hearts desires in Jesus name. God bless you