Maybe it was a mistake to have found this site. Maybe I'm making a mistake in posting this. I don't know. But maybe someone can tell me not to give up hope. That I'm not wrong in wanting some happiness. That there really could be a girl out there for me. That intimacy is still waiting to be found and delighted in.
So, I'm early forties. And still a virgin. It has always been so important to me to give the gift of my body to one woman and her only on our wedding night. To honor her and to honor God.
There is no one in my life. I don't know if there ever will be at this point. And God not only seems oblivious to my prayers, but I wonder if He has heard my prayers at all. About anything.
Want to know the real kicker? I was "married" before. On our wedding night she froze up. Turned out she had major problems with wanting to go through with intimacy. But I endured for her. When you love someone you endure for that person. After a few years in the end the marriage ended. She eventually remarried. I suppose she got over her problems about sex because she ended up having a baby girl. She didn't have a baby with me, though. She didn't have sex with me.
Everyone keeps telling me that I've always been very handsome. That I look fifteen years younger than I am. Maybe it's because I've never smoked and rarely ever drink. But because of one circumstance after another…
I am still a virgin.
And I've so much wanted one girl to love and serve.
And... yes, it's true... I do want physical intimacy. Very, very much.
It has been impossible not to fantasize about it. About pleasing my wife. Looking into her beautiful face. Gazing into her eyes as I please her. Giving her joy and pleasure and feeling God smiling upon us in His approval and delight.
I fantasize about being pleasured, too.
It's been a long time to read about what it must be like. What others have said about it. And I've always felt that I must be too broken. That I must be exiled from knowing that. That God enjoys being cruel with my frustrations and unfulfilled desires.
I want to be the man who finally gets his turn to discover that gift.
I dream of it so often. Of being turned on by the sight of my beautiful wife. The two of us going to the bedroom. My rock hard cock, something only for her.
In my deepest dreams, she slips me into her. Into a loving embrace I have never known before. She slips me into her and my eyes close. My mouth forms a quiet "ohhhhh" of bliss. I dream of warm, wet, tight, softness. Milking and hugging my cock. Her vagina contracting around my penis, making me moan and groan in utter pleasure. And I want to hear her moan and groan as I please her.
And when we can't hold back any longer, we have a magnificent orgasm together. And soon after, we fall asleep in each others' arms. Sleeping like babies.
I don't know if I'll ever get to have that. If I've waited in vain all this time. If God has ever heard me or cares. If my life has been a mistake for even wanting that.
I don't know what else to say.