Longing For Intimacy. Does God Even Care?

Maybe it was a mistake to have found this site.  Maybe I’m making a mistake in posting this. I don’t know.  But maybe someone can tell me not to give up hope. That I’m not wrong in wanting some happiness.  That there really could be a girl out there for me. That intimacy is still waiting to be found and delighted in.

So, I’m early forties.  And still a virgin. It has always been so important to me to give the gift of my body to one woman and her only on our wedding night.  To honor her and to honor God.

There is no one in my life.  I don’t know if there ever will be at this point.  And God not only seems oblivious to my prayers, but I wonder if He has heard my prayers at all.  About anything.

Want to know the real kicker?  I was “married” before. On our wedding night she froze up.   Turned out she had major problems with wanting to go through with intimacy.  But I endured for her. When you love someone you endure for that person. After a few years in the end the marriage ended.  She eventually remarried. I suppose she got over her problems about sex because she ended up having a baby girl. She didn’t have a baby with me, though. She didn’t have sex with me.

Everyone keeps telling me that I’ve always been very handsome.  That I look fifteen years younger than I am. Maybe it’s because I’ve never smoked and rarely ever drink.  But because of one circumstance after another…

I am still a virgin.

And I’ve so much wanted one girl to love and serve.

And… yes, it’s true… I do want physical intimacy. Very, very much.

It has been impossible not to fantasize about it.  About pleasing my wife. Looking into her beautiful face. Gazing into her eyes as I please her.  Giving her joy and pleasure and feeling God smiling upon us in His approval and delight.

I fantasize about being pleasured, too.

It’s been a long time to read about what it must be like.  What others have said about it. And I’ve always felt that I must be too broken.  That I must be exiled from knowing that. That God enjoys being cruel with my frustrations and unfulfilled desires.

I want to be the man who finally gets his turn to discover that gift.

I dream of it so often.  Of being turned on by the sight of my beautiful wife.  The two of us going to the bedroom. My rock hard cock, something only for her.

In my deepest dreams, she slips me into her.  Into a loving embrace I have never known before.  She slips me into her and my eyes close. My mouth forms a quiet “ohhhhh” of bliss.  I dream of warm, wet, tight, softness. Milking and hugging my cock. Her vagina contracting around my penis, making me moan and groan in utter pleasure.  And I want to hear her moan and groan as I please her.

And when we can’t hold back any longer, we have a magnificent orgasm together.  And soon after, we fall asleep in each others’ arms. Sleeping like babies.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to have that.  If I’ve waited in vain all this time. If God has ever heard me or cares.  If my life has been a mistake for even wanting that.

I don’t know what else to say.

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15 replies
  1. CrazyHappyLoved says:

    I cried when I read this. My heart aches for you. I am praying for your relationship with God first and that he will give you the desire of your heart – a godly, passionate wife who loves you second only to Him as you will her. He does care, He does love you. And he knows what – and who – you need. As you serve him, open yourself to the people He brings into your life. Don't give up hope. {{*love*}}

  2. spraniee says:

    I just wanted to share that I am in the same boat and know what your feeling. I was also married and after the birth of our second son everything changed. She began to have memories and intimacy has been non-existent ever since. We have been to couples counseling three different times with little or no results. I feel like you: does God really care? I know that is a terrible thing to say, but that’s what I am feeling. Nothing in 25 plus years now. Recently she said she cannot be in a sexual intimate relationship. I am so sad and don’t know what to do. I have a lot to give and want someone to share love and intimacy with.

  3. rora says:

    Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you and you will be in my prayers. If you ever want to talk, my inbox is always open! although I’m not an expert (as I am not married nor in a relationship so I have no experience) I’m always happy to lend an ear

    [From MarriageHeat: We love the camaraderie and willingness to help, rora and spraniee, but we don't allow the exchange of email addresses through MH. Conversation through comments can and does happen, but please read and abide by the guidelines.]

  4. ClimaXX says:

    Oh how I hurt for you LonelyKnight. I am in a very good marriage and even then there have been times where we have been distant for a few days and that HURTS SO MUCH. I can understand your longing. I do have one word of advice.
    ## If you want to catch a train, you have to be at the Train Station. ##
    You have to be part of groups. Do not sit at home at your computer feeling sorry for yourself. Join a church group, a hiking group, go to cooking classes,….. do things where there are groups who intermingle. Not with the idea of getting a wife, but getting to make relationships normal. When we are hurting and lonely, we portray it. We come over as needy.
    I am sure there will be some criticism about my posting, but there might just be some wisdom as well.

  5. PassionateForChrist says:

    Dear LonelyKnight, I understand your plight and frustrations and hope that some of what I will share would comfort you and give you hope. I'm a 33 year old woman, still a virgin, have not been blessed in life with a romantic relationship yet and have pretty much absolutely no prospect to ever be in one either, for as far as I can see. A few years ago, I felt it in my heart as if God would nudge me to step out in faith with Him and learn about and discover what marriage is all about, what intimacy is all about, what a romantic relationship would be all about under Him, and I felt encouraged from within to step out and do what I could do to maybe find this one man that He may have in mind for me for life… I took all courage I could find within my heart together and did what I never did before: I stepped out into an online dating site to look for that Christian match… I chose online dating as my route because the men where I live are no men of faith and dating makes no sense to me unless the faith is shared and there is common ground about our understanding of God's Word and the faith in Christ. I was on fire in my heart for this walk God had nudged me to take and in my passionate pursuit of it I got burned too. Every prospect I believed to be something true turned out not to be anything for real and the wounds these failures have left in my soul have caused me too to battle within myself with all those thoughts that go along hurts and frustrations – I've wondered whether I've been wrong in wanting a romantic relationship and physical intimacy for me, whether I'm just too broken or not *whatever* enough to be chosen for life and love, whether I've messed up too much in my past attempts and so that divine door of opportunity has closed by now on me,… dear LonelyKnight, the truth is that all such thoughts are really just self-destructive. I know that the feeling of loneliness is real, the longing is real, the dream in your heart is real but so is God's personal promise to you. By what you have shared, you have honored Him in your body, you long to live by His way of doing things, you give yourself to Him in all of it… please, though your mind may waver in faith and trust in God, don't allow your heart to waver into doubting Him. This I know with all my heart, through everything, God is good in all things, especially when we can't grasp Him… He truly cares about you – in fact, He cares so much about you that He has set you apart in a special way, for that special someone (and, yes, I understand that the being set apart comes with frustrations and all)… He cares about your happiness, your joy and for you to become all that He has created you to be, all that He has purposed you to be for Him… He hears your prayers as well as the silent cries of your heart… and I believe, by who I know within my spirit God to be, that He is continuously at work on your behalf to help you get to the fulfillment of the purpose He has planted in your heart. He hears, He cares and He values you. In His eyes, you are a great treasure, and He is more than able and willing to make things fall into place by His Grace and cause that special one for you to see you through His eyes, when His timing will have come.

    One last thought: please, do not think that being in your early forties means that you're already getting too old to find it – in my matching search parameters I have the early forties included… the world is so quick to impress on us in every area of life the image that the younger, the better… it's as if once you've passed the early twenties and have not experienced this and that or not found a love, you're just some kind of useless leftover. The world sets a pace that really ultimately would make us all crash and burn if we would submit to its dictates. I have dreamed of love, prayed for it, believed for it to happen, hungered for it and tried my best (and worst) to find it… and though nothing has happened for me yet, and nothing looks to be on the horizon, still this I know: God is never late. He is usually not early either. His timing is perfect. When He will bring love – it will be a love so pure, so rich in meaning, so powerful in expression, so steadfast in foundation, that every little bit of the pain of the past will be buried under the beauty He will have brought to life through it. This is the kind of love we thirst for – it is a hidden treasure, which He must and will reveal in time, so we can behold it. Don't give up on God, LonelyKnight. He hasn't given up on you. God bless!

  6. Current Resident says:

    You have my prayers and compassion, brother. From one virgin man to another, let me also challenge you in faith. Because we must believe and trust in the whole counsel of God. Do you believe that it is true when Jesus says in Matthew 7 "What man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!"

    I know you feel like you've been chewing on rocks for a while, but God does hear your request; His gift is not a stone.
    Be immovable, brother!

  7. PacMan says:

    I’m sorry for the pain you feel in your heart. This is not meant to be callous, so please forgive me as I shoot straight. Your feelings are REAL and deserve attention and comfort. However your ideas about how God operates seem off to me. Rain falls on the just and unjust. God doesn’t show favor to the healthy and is “cruel” to the family dealing with cancer. Same applies to you and marriage. If you can’t find contentment where you are at in your life right now, you will struggle to find contentment after you get what you want (i.e. marriage, sex) – see Philippians 4. I’m glad you shared your heart with us. There is always always always cause to hope. In the Fellowship of the Rings, Samwise was pushed to the brink of death and despair, and yet the clouds broke just enough for him to see the vivid depth of the stars in the sky, and it filled him with hope. YOU have signs of hope all around you, and if you ignore them, then it is a self-inflicted choice to be in despair. Of course we all would wish happiness and blessings on those around us, but none of us are entitled to those things. Many people, even in this MH community, are going through quite difficult circumstances. So life can be hard… but this doesn’t change the goodness, faithfulness, and love of God one bit. “Guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.” • And I agree with ClimaXX that my prayer for you is to focus on making good friendships and relationships (not girlfriend/wife). Put the focus on others and be loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled — and it will be very atteactive to others (including the opposite sex).

  8. Husband In Training says:

    LonelyKnight,
    I swear that you and I are twins. Granted, I wasn't married and haven't been, but you and I are going through the same thing. I wrote something about it earlier this year called "Waiting…Sick of It!" This subject pops up for me over and over and over, and I try to keep my head on straight as I see marriages of "less-than" men fall apart because of their selfishness while other men approach me for righteous advice and have their marriages mended and become even better. On one hand, I see disasterous marriages, and on the other I see mending marriages. I'm stuck in the middle and trying not to think thoughts of God like, "You don't [expletive] care." Or, "Are You trying to make me feel worse by parading these people in front of me?"

    Brother, I read your post and looked up at Him and said, "You need to do something about this. This isn't right."

    I can't say that I'm praying for you, brother, because I've recently promised God that I wasn't going to bring this subject back up to Him—that I was no longer praying for Him to bring me my wife. I was ready and about to walk away from Him in this area of my life, but He LITERALLY chased me down. I walked out the house, pissed as all get out. I needed some fresh air, and a neighbor I NEVER see walks out his house and starts talking to me about the danger of sons no longer following their fathers. I'm looking at him like, "You can't be serious!" I'm thinking about the Father like, "So, You're going to chase me, but you won't answer my prayer!?"

    So, I walked back home, and a friend called and told me he was leaving his wife and needed advice. I asked God, "What the hell are You doing? What are You doing to me!?"

    He said, "Don't turn away. Don't walk away from Me. I want even the pain you feel, son."

    I can't say that I've completely given it to Him. I won't lie and say that. Honestly, I'm still angry with Him about it. But, I can say that He chases after those He loves. Something in me says that He wouldn't chase without purpose. All of this is coming from a STAUNCH believer/follower…but I have to say that this subject really shakes my faith.

    I guess what I can offer is that you are not alone. You're not the only Knight on the battlefield, wondering if the King sees what's happening. You and I are His Sons. That won't change. So, take comfort in the fact that He has brought someone alongside you in the fight. And, wherever two or more are gathered in His Name, He's right there in our midst. As upset as I am with Him about this subject, I still keep getting, "It's going to be alright."

    As a matter of fact, I was woken up in the middle of the night before last and heard Him give me a scripture—Isaiah 3:10 Amplified Version. I didn't know why He gave me that. Perhaps it was for this moment here. If that's the case, my fellow Knight, I'm telling you "It will be well with the righteous. [We] will eat the fruit of our deeds."

  9. ILoveMarriage says:

    Hi Knight–

    Thank you for sharing.

    You know, God helps those who help themselves. What are you doing to find someone? She ain't going to come knocking on your door.

    Next to your relationship with God, you need to make this your top priority. You want it bad enough to do what it takes! (And trust me, the reality is better than the anticipation!).

    Wife and I attended a Christian marriage seminar with mostly 30-40 year olds. A significant number, maybe half, met online thru a dating service. This was several years ago. I'm sure it's a bigger deal now. If you aren't in that arena, you are passing up your best opportunity. I have heard that there are 16 million people on Christian Mingle. I would imagine that the majority are women. There is one there for you. Are you guaranteed to meet her? No. But you are guaranteed to fail if you don't try.

    It will cost some money in travel. And you will meet a lot of women who are duds, not compatible, or just plain no chemistry. But trust me, it will be worth whatever it costs. I traveled halfway around the world to get my wife. I was a college student at the time, and it was a lot of money for me. But it was worth it.

    And if you are indeed willing to go all out, why not find a personal coach who can give you an honest evaluation of yourself, help you improve your weak areas, and give you pointers on successful dating? You need your eventual mate to know you fully, and still love you. But there is nothing wrong with bringing as much to the table as you can and putting your best foot forward. And help you decide on the type of woman you want, and decide what is important to you and what you can compromise on.

    Sorry if I came off a bit abrasively. I have single relatives around your age who bitch and moan about being single, but never do anything about it. I hope you will be different!

    Blessings, brother!

  10. iwantiteveryday says:

    Hold out for honor. You are worth more than you know. You are created in the image of God, and your value exceeds that of rubies or diamonds.

    You are loved, and you are lovely. You are appointed and anointed to rule and reign with God as royalty. You are the head and not the tail; you are from above and not beneath. You are a leader, not a follower. Don’t rush, don’t hurry, and don’t settle! Let God PREPARE you, and believe that HE is also preparing SOMEONE for you.

    No matter what is behind you, from this day forward, embrace God’s plans for you.

    I want to challenge you as well, DO NOT GIVE UP. You will give your testimony here, there, everywhere – that THE GOD IN HEAVEN has a plan for everyone and not just to mate a man and a woman but HE said; it is not good for a man to be without a companion- let's make him ONE! so having someone in our life is a blessing but HE knows our plan better than anybody else….

    We will delight with you in your testimony soon or later AND you will look back and the only thing you will ought to do is give Thanks to the GOD!

  11. RMD says:

    Brother,
    It's never too late. My wife and I met when we were in our 50's. She had been a widow for 12 years, I had been alone for 4 after the divorce. We met on Christian Cafe and were married a year later. May I suggest a few things:

    – Pray for your future wife, that God will protect her and that you both will be ready at the same time. My wife prayed for me for years before we even met, and I know God used this to keep me from doing something foolish.

    -Try counseling to see if there are reasons why you have not found someone. I am a professional counselor and I've seen your problem many times. There are several reasons I've found why people stay single without realizing that they are doing it to themselves, usually by a low view of themselves.

    -Make a list of the things you need in a wife based on who you are. God made marriage so we would not be lonely. When we allow parts of us to be unmet by a spouse those parts are lonely, and that is in part what leads to marital failure. These things are not negotiable; she has to have them. My list included a love for outdoors, someone who was happy, someone who could walk in the rain, but also someone who was passionately in love with Jesus and with broken people. Also on there was a love for God's gife of sex, but only in marriage. Other things were on there too, but they were in answer to who I am. But then ask this – am I becoming the man who this woman is looking for? We must look for the right woman, but we need to be becoming the right man.

    -Don't ever settle – ever. Settling is death, whether it is settling for a woman who is not a good match, or settling in singleness when God has not given us that gift, and it sounds like you don't have it if you want to be married. But, brother, you have to be out there. On-line is just a bigger pond to fish in for both you and her. You have to look. My wife had been on line much longer than I had, but when we found each other we knew we had found our mates. One of my non-negotable items was someone who loved missions, and one of her pictures was of her in the middle of a large group of orphans in Ghana. God knew that was what would draw me – I knew immediately she was the one. God does this brother – don't give up, but search with all your heart for God's glory, for his kingdom, for you happiness, and because God said, "It is not good that man is alone." That is His heart, so you are in his will to long for marriage and want your loneliness to end.

    Prayers and blessings…

  12. RuriGokou says:

    I wrote a post a couple months back about the same issue you are having. I very much painfully long to be intimate with my future wife but it often seems like it's impossible at times. I feel your pain and suffering. My family and church friends think something is wrong with the fact that I'm 33 and haven't found a spouse. It's hard to fight back the negative thoughts when the people you go to for support are also negative.

    Regardless I've been working hard in becoming content with my singleness and being content on my own and as a person. I think knowing and discovering yourself while single is important as I feel that being the best that you can be while single is important to finding the right person. A spouse will not make you happy if you aren't already happy while single and a spouse won't fix any spiritual or emotional problems. You need to fix your own spiritual and emotional problems. A spouse isn't a cure for all our issues and problems.

    I've also tried to take action and try online dating recently but it's also extremely hard. But I'm trying to take a step in the right direction and trust in God. I hope your situation changes for the better soon! God Bless!

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