Help Me Find Hope
Hello, MH friends. For those of you who don’t know, we just had the funeral for my father this past weekend, and it was a good service. Also, I’m preparing for my grandma’s funeral. There are so many emotions running around.
All of this death has me thinking about my life. I’ve been really close to family, especially my female cousin who has offered a listening ear in all of this. I don’t want to sound creepy, but just having someone to tell my problems and faults to has been so comforting. I think I experienced some sort of emotional intimacy. Don’t get me wrong; I have no romantic feelings for my cousin, but it just felt nice to be listened to and cared for by a female.
I’ve never been good around females, honestly. I’m 30 years old, and I’ve never kissed a girl on the lips nor had a girlfriend. Also, I have sickle cell anemia, a blood disorder that makes it very hard for me to date. I can’t say to a girl, “Hey, I think you are sweet and cute, and I’d love to get to know you better, but I have an illness and may need constant care to go to the hospital.” That’s not exactly sexy.
So, yeah, it felt really good to be able to just cry in a woman’s arms while grieving the death of my father. I felt safe and cared for. And when I heard her family was moving out of state, it kind of broke my heart. She was someone that I could talk to about anything and not feel judged. I guess all of this made me reflect on my life.
I’m praying for improved health, to get a house of my own, and hopefully find a Christian sex-positive wife for emotional intimacy, BJ’s and cuddle handjobs. But I know that’s asking a lot of a woman, especially when my health condition may make it hard for me to perform for her pleasure.
I know as a man, I’m supposed to be the protector and the dominant one, but there are times when I just wanna be held like a baby. I just wanna be cared for and loved, and part of me feels I may never get that. I’m getting older, and though I thought I would be okay with just living alone my whole life, after this grief and experiencing real feminine nurturing, I want more. Maybe my feelings are just stirred up by all this emotional upheaval; I honestly don’t know.
If I creeped anyone out, I’m sorry. I know this isn’t a forum for just venting; I really need some relationship/marriage advice and some hope for the future. What would you do about dating for marriage if you were in my shoes? Has anyone else here had success establishing a life-long relationship while suffering from a serious illness? How did/do you serve your healthy spouse’s sexual needs adequately?
First, I will pray that the Lord pours His comfort and hope on you! Losing any close relative is hard, as I can attest. And needing empathy from another human being, especially a woman, is very understandable. I didn't find anything creepy in what you said. You had no inappropriate feelings towards your cousin. Second, don't give up on God's plan for you! There are women out there with very nurturing spirits who are very willing to enter marriages where their spouse may not have good health. I am praying for a future husband with that quality, since I haven't had the best health either. Third, draw closer to Jesus during this time. I can also attest that when things are very dark, the Lord gets dearer. He is the one who can always satisfy you, whether you ever marry or not. You have a circle of friends and encouragers on this site too. God bless and guide you, brother!
Thank you but just for the record I am a guy
Advice? No. Ideas? Yes.
First of all, I'm praying that your heart's desire comes true, and that God heals you completely.
A good rule of thumb is that relationships, leading to marriage or not, happen when we are not looking for them. That's happened to me twice now (widowed, re-married, blessed), for what it's worth.
Be yourself – that's not advice, that's a requirement; who else are we gonna be, and who can take our place. Start by making friends, if possible. I guess in my mind I'm queueing off of many movies my late wife and I used to enjoy watching, where a romance develops, and one says to the other something like, "there's something you should know about me." If I were to offer any 'advice', it would be to be ready for that when the time comes.
Pray on it, I'll do the same, and by all means cherish that family relationship with your cousin.
God bless, and all the best to you and your (I'll believe) future wife.
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. My advice to you is the same advice the apostle Peter gives to all believers: "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you" (1Peter 5:7). Keep praying and trusting in God. Don't give up. God may have the perfect woman planned for you. My mom and dad divorced when I was young. Later my mom remarried a man that was quadraplegic. She loved him, took care of him, and met his needs despite his physical limitations. And they lived happily ever after 😊
tolu, I'm praying for you. Know that there are many others who have walked in your shoes and still managed to date and have happy, fulfilling marriages. I'm sure you've Googled "dating with sickle cell" or "marrying with sickle cell;"
I always find it inspiring to hear how others face and overcome challenges I share, not as a blueprint to follow but just to know that it can be done.
Being "good with women" is just being good with people, and people skills can serve you well in many ways. I hope you will get out there and put yourself in positions to meet caring people, whether that is in your schooling, the line of work you pursue, or the activities you pursue in your free time. Ask God to open your eyes to ways you can provide for the needs of a spouse as she meets yours. And be a person who, despite limitations (and we all have them), lives a full and happy life for as long as the Lord allows. Living a life of joy is the most attractive attribute I can think of.
Tolu, I echo what others have said. I think you should simply focus on making friends, especially female friends… that are totally platonic (meaning non romantic). It’s normal to want to be nurtured, but will be a turn off to most women if you want to marry any girl who shows some kindness, compassion, or has a good conversation with you. Even if a romance eventually develops, it takes effort and compatibility to get to the point where you both will commit a lifetime to each other. We all have needs, desires, and hopes… including your female friends. So trying to escalate a relationship toward marriage too quickly comes off desperate and needy… and almost never leads to the other party saying “yes”. Just focus on being the best friend you can be to others. If you have friends who you show love, care, and self-sacrifice (and not just on the receiving end), it will prep you on how to love & care for a “healthy” future spouse. Also here’s a life hack: none of us are 100% healthy all the time. Some get more sick than others (or have chronic conditions). But we ALL deal with health issues… so none of us should have a woe-is-me attitude. That goes for all of us!