From Doubt to Perfect Fit

Did she cry out your name at the end, collapsing on the bed? Doesn’t everyone contort and twist in a montage of positions, each as passionate as the next? Don’t all couples go on for hours into the night? Won’t deep thrusts and forceful play do it for her as much as you?

Being married 23 years, I can say it took me more than ten of those to come to grips with my strengths and weaknesses in bed. It wasn’t so much about my doubts for us as it was exorcising the demons of cultural sexual stereotypes.

All Night Long – “She love you long time….” the song says, but in our case it wasn’t true. Young, married me would assign blame to my wife for avoiding my cock for oral play. Why did she not not enjoy my lips down between her legs. She would brush aside different positions. That made my “eager” erection subside between missionary, doggie and cowboy. I struggled with my perspective that I was fulfilling her needs and she fulfilling mine.

“I came three times” – Her moans and sighs were evidence of pleasure, but did she cum even once? Sexual stories I read brought images of multiple orgasms, positions, and nonstop sex. Both man and woman exhausted, panting on the bed sheets after each but then revving up for another round. We didn’t have the “did you cum” talk till after our 10 year anniversary and her answer floored me.

The full length – Looking down as my cock moved out to the tip, then thrusting back in, the last push moving her a little on the bed. That was the trick, so I thought. Faster, faster, her body jiggling, her face scrunched. Isn’t that the passion, the push? Slower and deeper, millimeter at a time found wonderful depths of pleasure for both of us. Eyes open, looking into each other’s soul. Light kisses to her lips and neck, not thrusting my tongue into her mouth.

The Hunter – Stalking her for sex. Hanging close with a hand here and a grab there. Passionate kisses in the upstairs hallway. Those didn’t do it for her. But that didn’t stop me from trying again and again 10-12 years into marriage. I was programmed to be the man. In the early years, I thought I was successful. I found ways to almost rip clothes off her, throw her down, and enter her quickly and forcefully. But there came a time when she said “stop”. We found out what worked and when and how reversing that can even be more fun.

On a run, one Fall afternoon, my wife said, “I’m going to say something and you’re not going to like it. You’ve been shitty when it comes to sex lately.” It sounded like a performance review. But what it did was address my meager attempts and infrequent advances that month. What we talked about is for another time. The bottom line is the conversation started US TALKING ABOUT OUR SEXUAL NEEDS.

Quality over Quantity – A mutual understanding of what I liked and she liked dispelled the negative feelings I had. I understood her infrequent desires for certain positions and oral. We found there was a place and time for those things. We began to explore when it was time for a 69 or when I liked different positions.

Being Satisfied – It was freeing to discover that even her soft moans and little sighs meant she was starting or having her orgasm. Often, she came quickly, so being unaware I would think she wasn’t reaching satisfaction. Once I tuned in to her sounds, we were able to move her towards multiple orgasms.

Inch by Inch – She requested I slow down, not pound her flesh with my hips and body. A slow entry allowed her to fold over my cock inch by inch. We found that to be more pleasurable for both of us. Pulling back just slightly, finding almost undiscovered pathways into her. Exploring until it was obvious I hit her spot. She would then almost take over, pulling me deeper fraction by fraction of an inch. Doing it this way, I found a nirvana I’d never experienced before.

Simple request – “Just ask” she said, when it came to my advances. We had two toddlers running around and growing up. They were making demands and getting into our sexual way. It didn’t work for me to pounce on my wife after a long day working and dealing with the kids. Ask and you shall receive.

That run on a Fall day opened the door of communication. It made our every day sex better for both of us. It showed me that her strengths matched my weakness and helped me dispel some myths about sex. Almost a 1/4 of century in it’s very apparent we’re a sexual perfect fit.

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