Young Man with a question - MarriageHeat

Angry and Confused

Thoughts in my mind:

Good afternoon everyone I hope you’re having a nice day. Part of me feels a little bit lonely because I really do not have a wife to share this special day (Valentine’s Day). I’ve also never had a girlfriend or been kissed. I’m over 30. Honestly, as a black man, I feel people either sexually fetishized or make me feel like felon.

Also, I have a chronic illness (sickle cell), and not a lot of women are willing to put up with that.

Also, now that I think about it, is it really worth even getting married because of how high the divorce rates are going? I literally just had one of my closest friends go through a divorce, and it really up messed him up.

Any advice?

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10 replies
  1. O-man says:

    Fear is the window that once you keep open, all the things you do not desire will come creeping into your life through.

    You have to deal with fear, and theres no better medicine for fear like faith.

    Are you a saved bible reading and truth confessing child of God? If no, that's a great place to start.

  2. Lori D. says:

    @tolu I'm so sorry to read about your health. I pray you get better.

    Marriage is a wonderful union between two people. Relationships are not easy and don't come naturally. In my opinion, you have to work at it to make it work. When two people meet and enter into a relationship, they shouldn't argue, there shouldn't be infidelity nor should there be a lack of love and intimacy, there should never be a gray area. I'm very grateful that my husband and I had the same interests when we first started dating. Since then we have always talked and we still talk about many things; work, family, friends, money and yes… even sex. My husband and I didn't exchange sacred vows in a church "to try marriage". We both said "I Do" because of our mutual love and commitment.

    Take care

    • SecondMarge says:

      Most things in life fall in the gray areas. think that people who only see black and white on issues usually are just avoiding truly honest evaluation.

  3. SecondMarge says:

    Finding someone to marry, or just have a relationship with is a struggle for most people. I can’t imagine how much more difficult it must be for those with a handicap or chronic illness. I saw a news story about a handicapped man in Nevada and his regular trips to legal brothels there. I felt so badly for him. But glad he had a legal alternative.

    I wish you luck in finding a partner. There are women out there for you, it’s just a smaller pool than some men have, making finding one more difficult.

  4. LovingMan says:

    Tolu, life can be so hard! I know. I was one of those people that went through a very rough marriage and finally divorced. I was a single dad for several years. I felt like life had betrayed me.

    Then I met Melodie. She had been disappointed with never having the opportunity to be married but she had gotten an education and had a successful career. And she was a very kind person. She was in her early 40s when we met and eventually married.

    The contrast of my first marriage with my second marriage has been stark. Melodie is kind and loving and smart & beautiful & yes, very sexy as well. I am suffering from multiple severe health problems. She has some health problems as well. We care for each other and our love and bond and even our sexual relationship has never been better!

    So life can be hard. But I wouldn’t change anything because we have been so happy together for almost 30 years! So don’t give up hope. Pray for your future spouse! Ask God to help you have faith and that He’ll help you two find each other.

    Marriage can be a challenge at times but it also can be very comforting and give you times of the sublimest ecstasy!

    God bless you in your life!

  5. starlight says:

    Tolu, this is a difficult one. Racial and disability/medical discrimination are 2 different yet serious issues, and my response to both would be the same! In short, if marriage is right for you, then you will meet and find a partner who accepts you for all that you are! If a potential partner can't or won't do that, then don't be with them! I am saying this as a female from an ethnic minority who also has a disability! I married; although though my marriage did not work out in the end, it did not fail due to either of the above, and I have no regrets about it at all! Marriage can be difficult; it can also be hugely rewarding! People like us perhaps have to work harder or search longer to find "the one", and that can be a drag, but it's also a brilliant opportunity to filter out those who would be a waste of our time! As for your comment about divorce rates, I'd never make my major life decisions based upon statistics or my perceptions of others! Divorce is complicated, and without knowing the ins and outs of why people choose to go their separate ways, we cannot judge or even view it as a negative. Getting a divorce takes a lot of emotional strength, just as staying together can do at times! So, in all situations but especially in relationships, do what is right for you and you alone. Advice from others, even those of us on MH should be secondary because your choices are between you and your Lord; use that as your guide and you won't go wrong! Good luck!

  6. Frankie says:

    We have daughters who were not married until they were in their 30’s and one in her 40’s who is still looking for the right guy. I gave them the following advice that you may want to consider. Don’t look for romance – look for friendship (i.e in church groups, volunteer organizations or service opportunities). With this approach they can let low pressure relationships develop. If one of the relationships evolves into love, they are likely to get a high quality spouse.

  7. SecondMarge says:

    A short quote from the Institute for Family Studies article by Wendy Wang entitled: The Share of Never-Married Americans Has Reached a New High: "Even though marriage delayed does not necessarily equal marriage forgone, with more people delaying marriage, a rising share of Americans may end up not getting married at all. An earlier Pew Research Center report projected that 1 in 4 of today’s young adults may never marry, if the current marriage trends continue.

    It is important to note that the share of never-married Americans has increased at a much steeper rate since 2000. In less than 20 years, the proportion of never-married Americans has risen from 21% to 35%, a 14-percentage point increase. During the same period, we see a widening marriage gap among Americans of different income or education levels."

    [From MH: This was a very interesting article, Marge; thanks for bringing it to our attention. I especially liked this encouraging point in the opening—"Marriages today are more stable, thanks to the steady decline of divorce rates since the 1980s." But it also goes into a lot of possible factors for increasing numbers o never-marrieds, including recession and COVID-19 social restrictions. An informative read.]

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