Talking to Children About Masturbation
Question for everyone. Please share your experiences of masturbation as a child and teenager. Did your parents ever talk to you about it? Did you feel guilty? Were there some times you felt it was done as a result of sinful lust, and other times it seemed ok?
As a parent, have you talked to your children about masturbation? Would your advice differ between a son and daughter?
From my own experiences as a young man growing up, I feel strongly that this is something parents should discuss with their kids. Letting your son or daughter “figure things out” with no guidance on the subject is setting them up the potential for years of unnecessary guilt or on the flipside, regretful addictions and struggles with porn, etc.
As a young father, I want to give my kids a Godly view of sexuality.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts!
I learned nothing of value from my parents except to never touch myself. And I didn’t until well after I was married. I tried to do the right thing with my son. My husband had passed away and it was left to me to have the sex talk with a teen boy with raging hormones. I vowed total honesty. To say he was curious is an understatement. Talking about his erect penis, how I liked to be touched, my erect nipples and other awkward topics brought out many emotions. The mother/son dynamic is one Freud and other psychologists spent a lot of time discussing. I did the best I could and we continue to talk openly about sex. He still has questions about things he experiences and if and how I masturbate. Like the difference when I was and wasn’t married, when my husband is away. Needless to say teen boys have it on their mind. Maybe my parents not saying anything made me too open about issues I could have simply avoided by saying they were private.
The mom and son dynamic is almost as complicated as the dad and daughter one. How awkward you found yourself, Marge, having to talk about masturbation with your son. I think society puts negative taboos on what is basically human nature. For example, for most boys their mom (or maybe a sister) is the first female they see in their underwear – that's just an innocent thing that happens. But it does leave an impression on a boy.
Marge,
My mother was the only parent I felt comfortable talking to about very personal things – my father was a good man, but had a sort of distance about him. Neither of them were good about talking about such things, but there were times I wish I could have talked to my mom about it as I spent more time with her than my dad. And there were tons of questions I had about women's bodies and such.
I think most men wonder about women, period. Even women they know or are close to in a non-dating sense. My mom wasn't able to talk about those things and I feel bad for her too, because she was of a generation where "good girls dont" – and though it may seem odd to say, I hope she was able to find pleasure and satisfaction in her femininity too.
I applaud you Ms. Marge on your courage to face a situation that must have been awkward at times, but you pushed through it. I respect you greatly for this.
I grew up without having had the "talk." The only thing I got was the awkward and crude humor my parent often use but mainly my dad, movies with sexual content, and then hearing my parents having sex at night and sometimes during the day.
It wasn't until my friend, Susanna, who has become more family than a lot of my family.
She grew up in a similar environment to me. Except where I wasn't raised in a Christian environment, she was the polar opposite and sex wasn't talked about.
Anyway, she opened the floor to me about questions I had and I finally got answers, real answers to questions I had and some I didn't know I had!
A good and Christian view but knowing that sex is a wonderful and beautiful thing within the boundaries God created it in.
It was awkward at times, mainly for me because I had become so closed off from the subject. She also answered questions I had from the female's perspective and gave me ideas for how I want to treat my future wife!
So, like my friend Susanna, you are probably a hero to him on so many levels!
IndyDad and NaturalGardner
Awkward doesn’t begin to describe it. When your mind is forming words about the things that give you sexual pleasure and your own body and the male in front of you’s body is also reacting to your words something inside screams “just shut up”. Realizing my nipples were hard and being observed and his pants had a bulge and the questions were getting more intimate it feels so wrong to continue. My thoughts and descriptions building on one another and every part of my body reacting wishing I were alone yet another question that needs a reply reaches my ears.
Being a single parent certainly has its challenges. But it brought us very close.
Thanks for the kind words. I did what I felt was needed.
IndyDad
Almost? Girls are always easier to deal with and don’t walk around constantly with a bulge to remind you what they are thinking about. Guilt from wondering if your clothes or lack of them caused that bulge? Luckily they grow out of that stage.
It does bring up the questions of what age you no longer do certain things with opposite sex children. So I do appreciate Dad’s have concerns too with the talk and their actions.
@SecondMarge…I applaud you. I know this post is from a while ago but I came here in search of some advice when it comes to teen boys. My husband and I are significantly younger than my sister and her husband, who have a 14 year old boy. He’s a great kid to say the least. I recently have started to show (I am pregnant with my first child) and my nephew has been asking my sister a lot of questions regarding sex, women and pregnancy and masturbating in both men and women. My sister and I were definitely a little caught off guard when he explained to her that my pregnancy was the cause of his curiosity. He has been asking my sister a lot of questions on how women masturbate, what feels good for them, how often they touch themselves, if women use toys, etc. My nephew has also specifically asked if pregnant women feel sexy and if they like to have sex while they are pregnant etc. To say she was blown away with his curiosity and his specific curiosity to his aunt who is pregnant (me) is an understatement. He actually admitted to her that he started to feel a bulge in his shorts twice now in front of me and felt as though he had to run away, which I feel bad about. I think he is just a normal curious boy with raging hormones but is there any advice from you parents if you feel like I should talk to him or address some of his questions? Just don’t want to leave him in the dark googling things and thinking he shouldn’t be having thoughts or feelings of this nature.
@SecondMarge I guess I am a little curious too about your conversations with your son. I think you’re amazing for being so willing to talk to him about your body and what pleasures you despite the fact that your his mother. What did he want to know? Did he explain how he was pleasuring himself? And did he address the developing bulge in his pants? Did you acknowledge to him that you were getting turned on talking about it as well? All normal body responses, just curious since you seem great at handling this.
After my dad died, Mom was very respectful of my masturbation and everything about me being a man. Once during high school, she came into my room to tell me it was time for supper. What she saw was me deep into a great masturbation session. After I was done, I went into the kitchen. In front of the whole family, she said, "Well, you're certainly your father's son!" meaning my erect penis was just like Dad's had been. It was a powerful moment for me. Mom knew how important it was for me to continue to identify with my dad. My suggestion for moms is know your son is a man and respect him because he is a man.
Great topic and I love your perspective and thoughtful Q’s. My parents did a poor job on “the talk” and I was mostly left to figure everything out. I had a wet dream at 14 and days later was rubbing my dick head against my leg and ejaculated. Both times I had no idea (biologically) what was happening or what an ejaculation was, but I knew it felt great. So I soon became an avid masturbator, but definitely felt shameful, secretive, and no idea that it was a shared experience with 99.9% of other teenage boys… I thought I was more alone. •• When our oldest 2 were in middle school, I talked to my son and wife talked to my daughter. Part of our birds and bees talk was just to say, “When you touch yourself and give yourself pleasure, that’s called Masturbation. Some families and some churches have differing feelings about it, but your mom and I are pro-masturbation. We think it’s normal and natural, and you should feel free to do that. But we request that you do that privately in your own room.” We hope that the 10 seconds it took to say that shatters the YEARS of unwarranted guilt and shame I carried with me.
I have a similar experience too, the first time I don't know exactly what is going with me, but the sensation it brings feel greate, touching myself and rubbing my dick it brings pleasure to me and later ejaculated. I never talk about this topic with my parent nor they share any information with me! I search the internet then know what is going with me, again the same feeling guilty about it, doing it then feeling guilty again avoid it, even I remember I told myself that you are allowed to masturbate only twice in a week, not more than this! but as time passes and seeing others experience I accept it and enjoy it without any regret as I know that it has been some years to get married with the right girl!
Regretfully, I handled my kid’s sex conversation exactly like mine was handled, there wasn’t one.
For many years, shame controlled my entire relationship to my sexuality. It was a topic that filled my thought life, but nary a word left my lips.
I discovered masturbation at around 12 years of age. Early on, I didn’t stroke my penis, I rode the edge of the bed, creating sensations like you’d get when you climb a rope.
I remember my first full on orgasm, a completely dry one, I was sliding along the edge of the bad, and as I started to slide off the bed head first, I wiggled my groin against the edge, and as my head slowly descended into a giant plastic battleship replica, it hit me. I had no idea what it was.
Maybe 1-2 years later, I changed over to stroking it, and it took much trial and error to finally cum. Maybe 2 years later I ejaculated for the first time.
That began a lifelong connection to my own sexual pleasure that has never stopped. The physical pleasure has been a constant, but the erotic facets of it led to fascinations, fetishes, and fancies that have included exhibitionism, voyeurism, masturbating with other people, fetishes regarding the smaller than average dimensions of my erect penis, ejaculation quantity, force, and distance, just a lot of different aspects over a decades long connection to pleasuring my own body. After so many years and thousands of orgasms, some extremely intense and pleasurable, I don’t know if I’ve ever enjoyed the peace in my heart, mind, and soul, that would come from a correct, Godly, Biblical perspective and definition of this unique pleasure we call masturbation.
Great question! My wife and I have been meaning to post some advice on this topic. It's funny because just yesterday her story about her first masturbation experience was posted here on MH, "Jungle Fever" she posted this, on one of the comments…
SecondMarge, I like how you described, parents methodology as "don't tell and they won't do it" lol. We have had great success using the 4 book series "God's Design for Sex" by Stan & Brenna Jones. I will say, we started with our children when they were young and the books are made to work that way, I'm not sure how they work starting with older children? But we have been so blessed, with so many amazing testimonies about our children and our other friends who have used these books. I keep meaning to do a marriage heat advice story, about the books, but it keeps getting away from me.
I love these books and highly recommended them. Our children are far from perfect but I believe they all have a genuine desire to serve the Lord and please him. It was just yesterday that I got to talk with my second son about masturbation, so this topic couldn't have come up at a better time?.
My parents never said a thing to me about sex or masturbation, but a book on those topics magically appeared on my pillow one day when I returned home from school at around age 13. I actually can't remember what the book said about masturbation, but my thoughts from those days were that it was wrong to think about someone while masturbating. I had other church/youth leaders broach the subject and some alluded that it might be wrong, and certainly not to lust if you do! So generally, I masturbated a lot, but always felt a bit guilty about it.
But my first masturbation experience "came" when I was around 12 years old. I was in bed one night and this thought entered my head, "I should try touching myself under my underwear". My hand went south and it felt exhilarating, and there was this spot between my legs that felt like it was on fire. Suddenly, I felt this rush, my heart skipped, and I thought I was going to pass out, but it felt too good to stop so I just rode it out. After I came down, my body felt really relaxed, but I was concerned about this wet gooey stuff I could suddenly feel on my stomach. Where did this come from? What is it? Is it pee? It feels too thick for pee. I realized it came from my penis and it must somehow be connected with what just happened. I grabbed a sock or towel and cleaned up the gooey stuff and went to sleep, not too concerned because I felt sooo good. I felt no guilt over the experience and I think I somehow knew it had something to do with baby making. I would check out an encyclopedia or dictionary the next day to make sure.
My wife did some exploring, touching, and masturbating with her younger sisters before the age of ten. She didn't know why she did that and feels guilty about it to this day. She didn't get any sex info from her parents either, and in general didn't masturbate much as a teen, except when we dated and we had extra heavy make out sessions she would go home and masturbate afterwards. As an adult she would occasionally masturbate secretly in private without me knowing unless I asked her about it. But in the last year or so we have been enjoying and exploring mutual masturbation together and it's been getting more and more fun.
As for our kids, about 8 years ago I told my two preteen boys what masturbation was. I said that doing it was okay, but to guard themselves about their thought life in the process. I had a different view on sexual thoughts and lust back then and didn't distinguish between the two. Funny thing is, our oldest boy who is in his early 20's now will casually talk with his mother on the subject.
But what is really funny is what happened the other day. This son is still living at home. He came out of the shower and while walking to his room was bent double over in pain. Said he had very sharp pains in his lower abdomen. My wife had me get ready to take him to the hospital right away, but after she had a quick chat with him decided to give him some time to feel better. He was a bit embarrassed, but admitted to her that he was pulling on his rod with a bit too much gusto before going into the shower and must have pulled a groin muscle or something. He did in fact feel better in no time.
My advice now to my kids would be that masturbation is perfectly fine and should be enjoyed in private and have no shame in doing so. I would encourage to explore what feels good with their body, because that could lead to a very enjoyable sex life one day because they could share with their spouse what feels good to them in sex. Also don't want them to feel guilt over nothing.
I'd be interested in knowing more about this: "I said that doing it was okay, but to guard themselves about their thought life in the process. I had a different view on sexual thoughts and lust back then and didn't distinguish between the two."
I'm struggling with how (or IF) to talk about the fantasy/thought side of masturbation. Is it healthy to fantasize about anything he wants? What does it mean to "guard your thoughts"? I had guilty feelings re Masturbation because of my thoughts (not because of the physical aspect). For example, I felt guilty for fantasizing about an older woman that I thought was hot. Was that because God was displeased with that? (verses regarding our thoughts would seem to suggest so). Is it any different than fantasizing about an anonymous sexy woman in a magazine ad?
Also, even if I WOULD be able to give him some 'guidelines' will it make any difference? If he wants to jack off while thinking of some girl in his class he's going to do it. And maybe any comment about "guarding his thoughts" will be cause for guilt.
It sounds like you are drawing a distinction between sexual thoughts and lust. I'd be interested in hearing more about that.
Good Questions. My parents didn't tell me anything. Ultimately, I became addicted to porn and went through CR.
Start early. Invite questions. Talk about it. Have them read the book series mentioned by christmakesithot.
Not certain I remember not touching myself. My parents never mentioned sex or masturbation. The first time I had what I learned was an orgasm was at a sleepover. The girls talked about boys and how they wanted to touch you and wanted you to touch them. One of the older girls knew all the words “tits”, “dick”, etc. There was some showing each other, some kissing, even some touching each other. Finally I got busy on my own and had more than just a little fun. I thought I had hurt myself. But after recovering it didn’t take long until I did it again.
My husband’s first time also was with his buddies. Magazines with nudes from under one of their Dad’s bed and three boys with 12 year old hormones. Two of them “shot a load”, the third never did. They watched each other and even examined how different their “cocks” were in size. Talked about being “hard” and touched each other to see if it felt like a “bone”. He just told me that when I asked so I could include it with mine. His parents never said anything except when they noticed he had an erection. Then they yelled at him to go to his room.
Coming from another person who got extremely little sexual guidance from his parents: if you have kids, don't leave them in the dark! I mentioned in another comment today that I have a history with porn, which I take responsibility for, but it was largely rooted in a serious lack of preparation from my parents. (I'll write about it at some point, but to make a long story short, I started having these totally unexplained new urges to see naked women. Dangerously unaware of the dangers, I ended up searching the internet for women in various stages of undress, and you can understand how that quickly goes downhill.)
Fortunately, masturbation was one of the things I figured out on my own, starting about 8 years ago when I was 14. Even though this was after my first run-in with porn, I started with a pretty healthy, if very basic, view of sex. The first fantasy I remember having was of relaxing at home with my future wife, going to the bedroom, taking each other's clothes off piece by piece, then having sex. It was so simple and innocent, and I still remember it fondly. If I recall correctly, it was in the shower while thinking of that very fantasy when I had my first orgasm. I often thought about it and stroked myself to an erection in the shower, but this time I kept stroking longer than usual, and it just kept feeling better and better until I felt this amazing surge of pleasure. I don't remember what I thought afterward, and since it was in the shower, I don't remember for sure if it was accompanied by an ejaculation or not. (Even though I was already 14, my physical maturation has been relatively slow my whole life so I may not have had the capacity to ejaculate yet).
I always did a good job of hiding it from my parents, knowing it would be embarrassing. But to this day I'm not actually sure if they would approve or not, because they never talked about it, and I don't plan to bring it up because I've found other places (like MH) to learn about it that aren't nearly as embarrassing, and probably much more effective.
For a while I would masturbate and imagine having sex with one girl or another that I knew, but I eventually felt that was unhealthy and stopped. I don't think I was lusting, because it was in no way related to coveting or actually intending to illegitimately pursue them, it was just childish imagination. However, I did feel like it might taint my relationships with them if I had those thoughts in my head, so I stopped. I may have felt a little guilty about that, but it wasn't enough to stand out in memory.
Thankfully, I never felt much, if any guilt around masturbation, but I have had my concerns from time to time. Even very recently, I've wondered if it's really okay. Several times, I've dug into some Christian and biblical opinions (which unfortunately aren't always the same thing), and found that the vast majority of arguments against masturbation are pretty weak and unconvincing, even in articles from organizations I think otherwise do a very good job. The conclusion I've come to is that, while there are dangers related to masturbation that we need to be aware of (like porn, lustful thoughts and addictive patterns), the act itself is not a sin, and can even be a way to celebrate the future fulfillment of sexual desire in a more beautiful and intimate way in marriage.
It was never talked about when I was growing up, for or against. Me and my brothers were left to figure it out for ourselves. Except, as it turned out, someone was willing to do more than talk about it. My introduction to masturbation was to be "molested" by an older "friend of the family". There is a lot I could say about that, but that is enough for the purposes of this post. Yes, my first orgasm was at the hands of another man. I had no idea what was happening. I only knew that I was about to pass out, it felt like, as my orgasm crested.
I put "molested" in quotes because at the time it didn't feel like it was bad. I quickly became desirous to repeat the experience and returned to him several times, until my parents found out and it all stopped so suddenly. By then I had discovered that I could give myself an O by playing around. I was around 11 years old when this all took place.
I did it at least once a day, often more than that, for the rest of my life. At times feeling guilt over it, and at other times believing it was okay. This cycle led to me doing a lot of Biblical research on the topic, much of which I incorporated into a story here on MH: https://marriageheat.com/2019/07/21/hot-bible-study-and-sex-with-jan/
I did talk to my own sons about it. They are much more open about it than I ever was with my parents. At any rate, for the last few years, I've settled into a state of acceptance of the practice, believing it to be not only okay with God, but to be the way He intended for us to explore our own bodies in preparation for marriage. As well as acting as a relief valve for saving sex for marriage when dating.
But you are right, kids need to be told these things so they don't waste too much time and energy feeling guilty about it. My only tip for when and where to have that talk is when they are riding in the car with you, alone. And of course you want to talk about more than masturbation, but sex in general. Better that than being introduced to it from an non-family member who molests you. That automatically throws a negative environment onto it.
I had a somewhat similar experience being "molested" – it was by my oldest brother who took me up in our barn to show me, as he said, "how the big boys jacked off." In the process he first masturbated and I was amazed to see his semen shoot out! He ended up masturbating me. Like you, I did and do not consider this abuse. It felt wonderful to me and he did not force me. I did think it was a "naughty" thing we were doing. In retrospect, in a way I am glad I was shown the ropes by a loving older brother.
You know, the "funny" thing is, I never looked down to see the semen come out of me when he did that to me. Guess I was too afraid to watch. Then, when I started masturbating on my own, at first, I usually did it at night, in bed, when I couldn't see. So it was some time after the whole thing came down that I realized one time when I did it in the bathroom and saw it shoot out. I then realized what I had experienced.
For you see, the older man never cleaned me up, but just stuffed my dick back in my pants with all that sticky semen all over it. I figured the pain I felt as it stuck to my underwear was God's way of punishing me! Since it only happened right after he had done that to me. While he did molest me, I willing came back to have him do it again, despite the pain I knew I would feel. And the first time, I had no idea what he was doing to me or anything. I didn't even know about jacking off. Or that any good feelings could come from that (one of the little secrets they left out of my 6th grade sex education class).
Though I fared well despite that. I think because I enjoyed it so much (secretly, I was sad it came to an end at the time, though I knew it wasn't a good situation). However, I've always wondered just how much it has affected my experience and view of sex overall, and masturbation in general. I've always wondered how different things might have been if I was to discover it on my own. Only God would know.
I commend both of you for being so open about your early experiences. Not only admitting they came from the hand of another male, but that you enjoyed it. I did not know how much I could or should reveal here. The first touches I had at the sleepover included the older girl using her fingers in me and had me touch her small breasts and rub her pussy as she made me cum. We would later visit each other at our home and it progressed to oral. I only knew how good it felt and I was anxious to please this older girl. I can’t be angry with her, because like both of you I enjoyed it and willingly took part. I have read about these early experiences and many are same sex. Not sure how it affected me long term but girl on girl erotica makes me very excited. It’s what I usually watch when I masturbate to videos. So you two are not alone. Maybe had I known more, I might have stopped her, maybe not.
Its hard to blame ourselves or other children for coming back for more physical and emotional pleasure with another. Our self-control isn't mature and usually that person is a permanent fixture in our lives, sometimes with authority over us. It doesn't seem logical to think that a child would "know better" or speak up against something that feels good and seems loving. Kids are natural experimenters; its how we learn. The only thing lacking in these situations that *might* have prevented it was more adult supervision. But I think people felt safer back then, didn't think we'd get up to the stuff we did at sleepovers or as latchkey kids (or they also had in their youth and didn't think it would be harmful, maybe). I, too, experimented as a child with my sibling and several friends. It felt natural and normal to try and figure out these things together that nobody really talked about. Was it right? Probably not. Am I forgiven? Yes. Do I blame myself or others? To what end? Do I supervise my kids better? I hope so.
Do those of you that had early same sex experiences feel it changed how you feel about adult same sex activity? Do you judge it more harshly? All of you seemed to enjoy the experiences. Are you tempted to repeat that activity?
MaxLoving, did u ever come to terms with your experience? Did you talk to Uncle? Did you forgive him? Do yu struggle with mixed feelings – the physicla pleasure vs. being molested? And when you think about it today how do you feel? Sorry for the questions!
Only God would know, indeed, MaxLoving. How old were you at the time? I was 11, and to me it was a thrilling experience and I felt honored my big brother was showing me. We continued doing this together for a while. His penis was bigger than mine and he would shoot more than me, and that fascinated me. We would stroke and masturbate each other and I liked making my big brother feel good. In a way, it was a strange, loving thing between us.
I was 11 as well. Sounds like your experience ended better than mine at least.
My experience was that I was given next to no information about anything. I wasn't told "not to" and it wasn't discussed in church but somehow, I got the idea that I shouldn't. I didn't know why, but I felt like I would be "found out" if I did. It's not like I walked around the house fondling myself (saving that for marriage. jk.)
But at a certain point, I remember laying in bed and hearing a late night talk show discussion on sex. I had no idea what the words meant or what they were talking about at all. I was very sheltered, there was no porn or online access to it around, and we didn't even watch most secular television. I do remember looking at the women's underwear part of the JC Penny's catalog, but wasn't masturbating to it and didn't linger too long lest someone notice.
So that night I felt like I should tend to whatever I was feeling down there, and did, and I kept going at it. The thing was, I didn't understand ejaculation at all. So when I kept at it, tho I felt I might burst, I had no idea what had happened and that it was normal. I remember going into the bathroom and by the nightlight seeing just the tiniest bit of ejaculate, and because of where it landed "in between" I wasn't sure where it actually came out of because it wasn't that messy. Landed on the 'taint" so to speak.
Anyways, I worried ALL DAY the next day that I'd broken my penis. I was so humiliated and worried I'd have to tell my parents, go to the doctor, etc. But I couldn't bring myself to tell them, because then I'd be admitting to fiddling with it in the first place. And I didn't want them to know THAT. So I gave it a day..
That night, my hands were right between my legs again. And they've rarely left since. LOL!
Now, I still couldn't figure out how girls did it – which is why I find posts on here about that from the ladies so intriguing, and I wasn't the sort to "play doctor" with the one neighbor girl who was a friend of sorts. I definitely couldn't ask my parents questions as the few times I tried, I got very short answers. Not harsh but not encouraging an open dialogue.
In an odd way, I suppose I'm more open minded as a result of how I was raised and having to make do with my imagination – so the things people are talking about in other posts as porn and fantasy, I created at times "in my head" from even Old Testament scenarios without really knowing what I was thinking of, or the significance of it. I struggle with what that says about me – if I'm naturally "kinky" or naturally corrupted or simply that everyone thinks about most of the same things.
Thanks Penny and "Crazy" for offering a female perspective on this. I've always felt society in general went "easier" on the idea of girls experimenting than boys doing so. Kind of a double standard involved. It's like sisters and female cousins fooling around seemed more harmless, or perhaps not as graphic (not quite the word I want) than what boys do together. I applaud Max for first telling his story, and while my history is different we do share that we both enjoyed it, without guilt (although maybe I assuming too much on Max's behalf).
Marge, perhaps messing around with siblings led us to enjoyment of sex at an earlier age than most. I'm sure the majority were not having such intimate experiences. And it was done with love and no force. Thinking and remembering all this is actually exciting to me, as the memories flood back. Not sure what u mean about being tempted to repeat that activity?
Most boys that were molested, later had same sex activity or even molested boys themselves. I wondered if you ever as an older teen or adult felt those desires.
Like many of you, my parents didn't discuss sex let alone masturbation with me. I pretty much learned through friends. I have always enjoyed touching myself because it felt nice. I didn't experience an actual orgasm till I was in my teens. I go into greater detail in my story " Self Heat: My Masturbation Journey". [Here's a link: https://marriageheat.com/2013/06/29/masturbation-self-heat/ -MH]
My husband Ben and I have always tried to be open and honest with our children and let them know that they could talk to us about anything.
We had " the talk " with each of our children, but for reasons unknown left out the topic of masturbation. It wasn't until I caught my oldest daughter Alicia in her bedroom masturbating, that I decided to talk to both my daughters about the subject of masturbation. I basically told them that it was not only pleasurable but also normal and healthy. I didn't talk to my son Randy as I figured I would leave that up to Ben.
Then one afternoon my daughter Alicia walked in on my son Randy masturbating in the pool house. She thought it was funny and couldn't wait to tell me. He was naturally embarrassed at knowing she had told me. I told him it was nothing to be embarrassed about and that it was normal for a boy his age. Later that evening I told Ben and he had a talk with Randy about the subject.
Talking to your children about sex can be awkward and uncomfortable, but necessary. Talking to your children about masturbation can be even more uncomfortable, but also necessary. It is important that children understand that there is nothing dirty about their bodies and sexual urges.
It is important that we break the chains of letting " the talk " be such an intimidating issue. Masturbation is a healthy and normal part of discovering our bodies and what gives us sexual pleasure.
This was a great post and some very important points were made in all the comments. This is what makes MH so great in my opinion.
God bless you all and stay horny!
The trick is at what age to talk to your kids and how much. Of course, early on parents have the "good touch/bad touch" talk – which actually may only confuse real young kids or scare them. HornyGG, how old was your daughter when you walked in on her (surprize! LOL)…and how old was your son when your daughter saw him masturbating? (She sounds like a teasing older sister). Which asked more questions – your daughter or son?
Seeing him masturbate for me means acting like nothing wrong is happening. Remaining calm, controlling my reactions.
Tricky question. My parents never discussed the subject with me but, to be fair, I didn't feel there was any need for it either. I guess boys always fiddle with their private parts – they are just too obviously there. I was no exception. By the time I was about 12 I was masturbating regularly; my mum must have known from the stains on the sheets but she did not say anything. Then on one occasion the subject came up in a conversation with my friends and they admitted they were doing it too. One of them showed us a porn magazine he found hidden in amongst his dad's stuff and we certainly had a good look at it. I still remember one of the pages: it was an illustrated story of a couple going on a picnic; of course it soon turned into all sorts of sexual acts. The last scene was a picture of the woman's pussy covered in sperm, which I found particularly exciting. "I want to do that to my wife one day", I thought. (And, I'm glad to say, my dream did eventually come true.)
We boys were also absolutely dying to know if the girls were doing it too but there was no point in asking as we were too embarrassed to ask and in any case, they would not tell. So again, exploring the subject had to wait until I met my future wife many years later and I had the chance to ask. She told me that of course she had been doing it too, and so had her three sisters. She said she did not have her first orgasm until she was 17, until then it was just pleasurable feelings but without a climax. Then one day she realized what was missing – pressure on her pubic area. So she found the solution: lying on her stomach with her hand under the pubes and her finger inside.
So I guess we both found out about masturbation the natural way, without any parental discussions but of course, your experience might be different. I found that my two children followed the same path, there were subtle signs of them doing things but they never wanted to discuss the subject, so we kept it that way. If I had seen the need to bring up the subject of course I would have but somehow I felt there was no real need.
My parents never talked about sex, at least not any details. They did of course promote a Biblical view of waiting for marriage, but we never had "the talk" per se. So I figured out many things, including masturbation, myself.
I was maybe 12 years old or so and I started getting erections much more often. Just about anything would do the trick: looking at girls, thinking about girls, and sometimes for no reason at all. When I did get a boner, it felt good to have pressure on it, like lying face down. Naturally I progressed to dry humping while in this position. Then one day after I got home from school (I was a latchkey kid), I was lying facedown on the couch when I decided to try something different. I undid my pants and slid my erect penis between the couch cushions. I then began to hump the couch, slowly at first then gradually picking up speed. It felt good, really good, and I naturally picked up speed. Then all of a sudden I felt weird but a really great sensation followed by what felt like something spurting out. At first, I had no clue what happened. I jumped up and checked the couch and found the mess of cum in between the cushions. Then I realized I had ejaculated for the first time. Quickly I tried to clean it all up with tissues and hoped my parents wouldn't find out. They never did, or at least never said anything. Later that day, I experimented again, trying to get that awesome feeling once more but this time using my hand. I succeeded and masturbation became a regular part of my life from then on.
For a time in high school, I will admit to being addicted to it. And to porn. But the grace of God helped me out of that. Now that I am married, I still masturbate but usually it is only when I am traveling away from my wife, those weeks when we are too busy to have sex regularly, or when we want to do some mutual masturbation ?.
My wife's parents never really talked to her about sex either, but she found that pressure on her pubic area felt good and would occasionally dry hump the edge of her bed or couch. It wasn't until we were dating that she had an orgasm, and that was the result of my doing things with my fingers that I probably shouldn't have. Again, the grace of God covers a multitude of sins.
Now that I have kids, I wonder what I should tell them about masturbation. It is normal, natural, and not condemned in the Bible. There is no reason to be ashamed of it, though it should be done in private. Also, one should avoid lusting and porn and other actual sins which doing it.
LuvBug, that was interesting to read how you first masturbating laying on your stomach, because I did the same thing and thought I must have been weird. I actually did it a bit different – I'd put my hands under my crotch and press and wiggle and that felt good. I did it like that for years until I got older and could actually ejaculate that way.
Marge I am in awe of how open you are. Sharing sexual events with your son and husband has to be difficult. Knowing others have these issues is sure to help others cope if they have similar events. Not sure I would remain calm seeing my son, if I had one, masturbating. Especially if he had just seen me partially nude. You handled it in the mature way. I need to grow up.
Moms seem to handle seeing their sons masturbating much better than dads catching their daughters. – maybe moms have a "boys will be boys" attitude and laugh it off?
I wasn’t exactly laughing. Nor did I feel like I handled it well. Going in to shower finding my son’s dirty clothes on the floor. Already stripped to only panties I took his clothes to his room assuming he was long gone to school. My eyes caught the movement of his hand on a penis that was much bigger than when I changed his diapers I froze. My nipples must have felt the cold too because they became very hard. I am happy I neither screamed nor ran. It was an interesting shower after that. When I got out he had left for school. Not sure what I would have said.
My dad was a godly man whom I greatly respect. But his job required him to be away a lot and so my mom had a series of small talks with me, rather than one major talk. It happened as teaching moments naturally occurred. Looking back, it must have been less intimidating than one big talk.
Their position was that it was perfectly healthy and normal. When I was 12, I remember being in sort of a pushup position rocking back and forth with the head of my penis gently touching the bottom of the tub. Suddenly, I felt like I had to pee. What came out was my first ejaculation, and a new habit was born!
They let us masturbate in the shower or somewhere private as long as we cleaned up after ourselves. We lived in the country, and in the summertime I would sneak out at night and walk naked in the moonlight, often including masturbating. Years later my mom told me I sucked at being sneaky and they knew all along what I was doing.
I told my boys as soon as puberty started that it was totally natural and healthy. I didn’t want them discovering these things from other hormone-crazed teens. Seemed to work well.
Mom’s witness far more than their son’s ever know.
It’s good that you passed on a positive attitude toward sex and masturbating.
Overall, it seems to me silly, when such masturbation is such a normal and healthy thing, that even to this day, there are negative attitudes about it. It almost seems in our DNA. Kids always seem to be secretive about masturbating and feel "naughty" about it. Like SecondMarge, I have happened to see my child touching themself – but in my case it's my 12-year-old daughter (and nothing extreme, just happened to have seen her rubbing on top of her panties). But even though I know it's natural and all, I was still taken aback by what I saw and had a feeling like I couldn't believe my "baby" was doing this.
Did you talk to her about it? Let her know it was "normal but private" or something like that? Or did you just ignore it and let her think no one noticed so she wouldn't be embarrassed?
When my kids were little and taking their baths, I would sometimes (not harping on it, just occasionally) remind them that their privates were for them and their future spouse to touch only, except for medical care. We also made "alone time" something that anyone could call and know that no one would barge into their room. (We don't allow locked doors and ask that all electronic media be consumed in family areas.)
Kids explore their bodies. I don't want mine to feel any guilt over it.
Thanks CrazyHappyLoved for the comments, I've taken the easy way out to avoid embarrassment on my part (and hers too probably) and not said anything. I'm pretty sure she doesn't know I've seen her doing that a couple of times. I'm naive that I thought girl started doing that at a later age, Have had the "good touch/bad touch" talk with bout our daughters. We are "backwards" in some ways in that they still call their privates their "peebodies." LOL.
Im a man and I started masturbating at age 13. I discovered its pleasures purely by myself. I was getting good hard erections, I’d discovered playing with my erect penis felt nice and one summer night laying naked on my bed by accident I got the stroking, tugging action just right – then POW! I splashed right up to my chest. Everything I learned about masturbation I learned from other boys at school from learning of its existence through improving my technique by talking with other boys and masturbating together with them. I had a metal framed bed and it rattled with the rhythm of my pumping hand, especially when I went frantic with my rising orgasm and came. I think my mother heard my bed rattling because I overheard her telling my father “he did something in bed last night.” That was the only comment on masturbation I ever heard from my parents. I now have a son and I know he masturbates because all boys do, but we have never spoken to him about it.
I've mentioned before that my mom was very quiet about sex, where as my dad was pretty playful with the subject, in the sense that he would make jokes and such about it. I learned about masturbating more or less through my sister, (as she took from my dad's side). I was seven or eight then, but didn't know what it was. I tried a few times throughout the years, but never orgasmed till like, sixteen. I read something online and decided to try. OMG! I had never experienced something so euphoric in my life! But I did struggle with guilt.
But when I was about seventeen, my dad pulled us aside and let us know about masturbating and that it was natural and there was no shame in it.
He was a bit upset that my mom never talked to us girls about any type of sexual behavior, and I was upset too, (feeling left out, while my twin brother would tell me about him and my dad's talks) but then I realized, nobody ever did for her, so where was she to pull it from. Anyways, from then on, I not only masturbated but encouraged my little sister to be open and not ashamed of anything sexual, within reason, of course. ? needless to say, MarriageHeat means alot to me, but I feel at home here and like I can be more vulnerable with this community. God bless you all!
I have two older sisters, who were pretty rebellious, though I do thank them for helping me along with masturbating
My parents never talked about masterbation. Very little about sex.
I started masterbating when I was 9. Right before that, I saw a Dolly Parton commercial. When I was laying in bed, I started thinking about her, her big boobs, then it felt good for a second. What was that? I would try and try and very seldom get it again.
When I was 12, I could get the feeling anytime I wanted. Yes, there was always guilt, but was the guilt because of the teacher or girl I was thinking about?
Unfortunately, it never seemed OK to me.
Did my folks talk about it? NO. Dad never said a word (he was pretty much out of my life at my age 7) and all I heard from mom was (when in 1st or 2nd grade) "don't play with yourself" (whatever that meant) and since she was still looking in on my bath time at that age; "Wash that dirty brown ring off of your pee-pee.") Actually that "dirty brown ring" was scar tissue from my circumcision. It did not wash off. My favorite uncle gave me a rudimentary "sex talk" when I was about 11 or 12, but there was no mention of the big M.
I found out about it in 5th grade from a younger friend who described watching his high school-aged cousin doing it. He called it "peeing yellow foam." So I had to try it. I thought it was a urinary function. Finally realized in 8th grade it was a sex act.
No one said anything bad about it (to me personally) until I got to college and the church there was heavily against it.
I was told that masturbation was a healthy and normal way to take care of my sexual desires prior to marriage. I was told that it was best to masturbate in private and without porn.
They let us masturbate in the shower or somewhere private as long as we cleaned up after ourselves. It was it was preferable for me to masturbate in the shower or bathtub due to the mess I created. At one point my sheets had to be cleaned nearly ever day due to the mess that I was making.
Oh my nephew is going through this now!!! Oh my this is hot and I feel bad at the same time…we were last to leave our beach house this weekend and I washed all the sheets…let’s just say why did my horny teenage nephew pick navy sheets lol damn those random boners at breakfast too. He can’t control himself around my pregnant body it seems! I feel bad he has so many questions and I’m willing to answer them all as he’s my nephew but he had to excuse himself the other night at dinner after starring at my boobs (granted they don’t even look like his own aunts boobs anymore but still I felt bad)
alwayswet101,
I've always wanted to raise my children as a nudists and I've always wondered how I'd deal with their sexuality one day, especially in puberty.
How would you deal with your nephew's attraction to your body?
I always wondered this too! Like would boys walk around with random boners? Would moms and sisters get turned on by seeing their male parts erect/aroused? Or would it just be like nothing because they were used to it? Would teenage boys and fathers be slightly embarrassed when all the sudden their penis is engorged and everyone can see?
I am definitely trying to find the best way to deal with it as I don’t want to embarrass him. He confessed to my sister (his mom) the other night how turned on he’s been getting looking at my pregnant body. He also didn’t know what to do about the increased about of random boners he’s been getting around everyone at the beach house and he can’t stop looking at me. He told her how much he is attracted to pregnant women and he gets really aroused being around me. He asked my sister a slew of questions about pregnancy and sex and how women feel. My sister was shocked at his fascination and honesty. He apologized for the erection that he had at the end of just talking about these things with her! I truly feel bad because I know teenage boys have it on their minds 24/7 and are so curious. I think I feel so bad he is embarrassed though. We talked about talking to him together but I don’t want to further embarrass him so we’ll see what else goes down at the beach house!
Has anything like this ever happened to anyone’s kids or nieces/nephews here?
alwayswet101,
Yes, you have the same questions I've been having. Nudists often claim there's nothing sexual in growing up nude, but we all have hormones and they will affect us. I think as believers it's good to discuss it so we know what to do if we bring our children up that way. I think the most important thing in this situation is that they aren't made to feel shameful for how they're feeling.
Yes it’s a very interesting topic and one that I’m so curious about. I seriously can’t imagine being a boy growing up nude or a father and just sprouting an erection. Of course it’s important to not make them feel ashamed. I also can’t imagine being a mother or sister or daughter and either simply not staring or getting turned on myself because most of us women love the sight of male parts at full mast. It’s natural.
I have to admit that I am slightly turned on knowing that my body growing is turning so many men on (even my nephew) he just happens to be at that age with such raging hormones and curiosity that I feel bad he can’t hid the fact that he is. On the other hand, me being so horny due to my own hormones…It makes me wet that I can turn so many others on in this very natural thing women do by carrying a baby but at least I don’t have an erection sticking out so many times a day…poor guy
One time I was caught masterbating to porn.
It was when I was curious about how women masterbate.
I was told that it was not good to watch porn because it would give me unrealistic expectations and could be addictive.
When I explained that was watching it because I was curious about how women masterbate and how to please them, I was told that it was understandable, but it still would not be best to watch it.
This was before MH. Thank goodness for MH. On MH, I discusses my sexual desires in a welcoming and open envrionement, that is helpful and encouraging.
I hope my future wife would certainly be willing to masturbate and maybe even make videos of herself masturbating for me.
I certainly would enjoy that.
I started masturbating around age 10. Around age 12, my mom gave me a really good sex book that covered about everything you can think of and had a chapter about masturbation. I read that chapter several times! It basically said it was normal. My mom even added a trash can with a lid and tissues to my room at the night stand. My dad never said much about sex, but my mom was a pretty sex-positive person.
Your mom sounds like a wonderful lady! She probably had her own techniques as well! I wonder if she realized you were doing this and saw you with an erection or just thought you might be at that age?
Hi Ron33,
My mom did this too.
Alwayswet101, I think she knew for sure. Being a lazy teenager, I used tissues to cleanup and stuffed them in the back of a night stand I had until there were several and then I would clean them out. One day I got home from school and they were all cleaned out. She had cleaned my whole room up, I had a new trash can with a lid and a box of tissues by the bed. I was really embarrassed and never said anything, but it did get used.
She was a great lady and very sex positive without being strange about it.
What opinions are out there among Christians on children using sex toys? Did you or would you ever buy yours a something like a small vibrator or "pocket pussy" after puberty.
I think I would if I kept catching them masturbating or they asked me about it.
I live with my parents, and I have told my mom about MH. It is not her thing or my dad's, but she has encouraged me to do what is necessary to focus my desires on hot marriage sex with my future wife. She always teases me, when I am in my room for a long time, that I am having to much fun on MH. I probably have spent to much time on MH since the panadmic started. I can hardly wait until everything gets back to normal so I can see my friends again face-to-face. I can also get talking to girls again and work on getting a girlfriend/future wife.
My mom thinks that sex toys are silly, but she has encouraged me to do what is needed to focus my desires on hot marriage sex with my future wife. My buddy's mom that I talked about The Listener mostly just used her fingers or a dildo when she masterbated, but sometimes I would hear a buzzing like a vibrator would make.
Alwayswet, the situation with your nephew sounds like a similar dilemma to one I recently had! We should compare notes haha!
As for the sex toy usage, my husband and I purchased our son a “pocket pussy” at the beginning of puberty, and a vibrator for our daughter around the same time! They’ve been beyond helpful to them.
Some parents might feel otherwise, but we take a sex-positive approach, and it’s worked wonders for us.
-Jen
Jen, that's a bold and confident position to take on those topics but I admire your honesty about it!
I do wonder – and this isn't criticism at all, but were you at all concerned that a strong vibrator might "desensitize" or is that a myth? I know as a young man furtive and fast masturbation caused a little of that for me, and I had to consciously retrain my body – but not sure how it is for women.
Hi Naturalman,
I’m not sure about a strong vibrator, but I’m certain that a claim that vibrators in general desensitize is a myth… I’ve used one since I was my daughters age, and I only got more sensitive with time haha! And judging from sounds and frequency, the same is true for her… and her brother too!
I applaud you for doing this ParkerJen! What were their reactions? Also please share your recent dilemma; I would love to hear! It sounds like you're aware of how often they use them. Do they tell you? Also what kinds did you get them?
I initially posted this comment on a different thread but feel it belongs here. Maybe I got threads crossed.
Just getting caught up on a lot of the comments. Masturbation and nudity In my opinion are common and natural things that shouldn’t be hidden or shamed of. Although I do agree that masturbating in private is the way to go I was caught several times in my teenage years by my mom and my sister playing with myself. I also caught my sister masturbating and walked in on her a number of times as well. We were close in age and close as well and could laugh those things off or tease each other about it. It wasn’t hidden so much as discrete. In fact we were comfortable enough to be curious and let each other watch how we did it and see each other orgasm on some occasions. It was more of a curiosity and fascination with the others body and how our bodies reacted. I think curiosity is totally normal.
I bought my daughter a vibrator for her sweet 16. She has thanked me for that. It has helped in her married sex life.
I think this is great! My mom also did the same with me. What kind of vibrator did you get her?
My mom knows that I have read some romance novels from the library. She told me that it was okay to read them, just remember to read the whole book and not just the sexy parts.
Most of my sex talk/ information has come from my mom.
Not only did she answer my questions, but she gave me a book about sex when I was in high school.
Furthermore, she encouraged me to read romance novels. My mom has seen me reading romance novels from the library. She told me that as a woman, she understands how they can be appealing. She told me that it was okay to read them, just remember to read the whole book and not just the hot love-making parts. My mom would rather me read romance novels/MH than watch porn.
My mom knows that I have watched some porn due to my natural curiosity, especially concerning female masturbation. However, she advised me not to watch it because it might give me unrealistic expectations for my future wife and the marriage bed.
I love a good momma who’s understanding and supportive of a son and his hormones. Watching female masturbation due to natural curiosity and pure horniness is understandable and something I feel like all males go through at some point. My mom knew and still knows that her daughters panties get wet and that we all have hormones when we’re reading romance novels and things like MH. To me getting a boner is the equivalent of a female getting wet while reading something that gets them sexually turned on. Have you ever talked with your mom about sex?
I have talked to my mom about MH and sex toys as well.
My mom says that MH is not her thing, romance novels/ movies were always more of her style. In regards, to sex toys my mom perfers not to comment, however she understands if I use one. My mother is obviously big on me treating women with respect and on getting to know and dating a girl before marriage. My mother does not mind if I do more than kissing or hand-holding prior to marriage. The most important things is that I have good intentions and that I do not go too far unless I am sure that she is the girl that I want to marry. As Micheal Jackson once sang, "People always told me be careful of what you do, And don't go around breaking young girls' hearts And mother always told me be careful of who you love" I most definately agree with this! My mother and father would most definately be very dissapointed if I did.
I admire your good relationship with your mother. Not sure I would take any life advice from Michael Jackson. Discussing sex and masturbating with my son was difficult but hopefully helpful. And much needed after he walked in on me.
Marge, what was your discussion like after your son walked in?
SecondMarge, I admire you for having a talk with your son. How did this go and how did he react? To what extent did you get to in the talk? Also at least he knows his momma still has it lol! Look at it that way.
It was uncomfortable at first. But I was surprised that he was willing to discuss the topic and even admit details with his mom. He asked if it was wrong that he got an erection when he watched me. I told him no, it’s natural. I had to admit I had seen him masturbating too but left the room before he saw me. He asked if I ever used a dildo. That was kind of difficult to admit. He seemed far more comfortable with most of the discussion than I was. I’m glad I didn’t have to worry about having a tell tale bulge like he did. I know I was supposed to be calm and adult but being open isn’t as easy as I would have hoped.
Hi Alwayswet,
Any discussion about sex was very similar to some of you're talks with you're mom that you have talked about on MH.
I have to say, SecondMarge and Alwayswet, that I think you are two of the classiest and coolest ladies on MH. Your comments are very sexy and hot to read!
Some are kind of embarrassing but like I tell my son, honesty is the best policy.
SecondMarge totally agree sometimes I’m like omg I’m a complete horn dog I can’t believe I said things like that! But hey at least my hormones are keeping me happy! Definitely a little embarrassing but hey happy cumming 🙂
My son is 12. I've had some sex talk with him and masturbation was mentioned in passing, so this topic is highly relevant in my case, and I realize that I have probably already missed a few opportunities to be even more open about it with him. I am 100% on what to say about the physical side of masturbation (that it's a great way to explore your body/sexuality, that it's good, that it's to be done in private, etc…).
The one side that I am not sure how to approach is the THOUGHT/FANTASY side – what kinds of thoughts should/shouldn't be encouraged? For me personally, since I'm a married man, I try to direct all my thoughts towards my wife as I masturbate (ie, I avoid fantasizing about other women – whether I know them or not). Honestly, I can't remember what I fantasized about before marriage. But I did feel some guilt regarding masturbation – not because anyone had told me it was wrong and not because of the physical aspect, but because of my thoughts. Although I didn't get into porn at an early age, I remember using the lingerie section of the Sears catalog or magazines where there were ads showing sexy women and fantasizing about fucking them. This did lead to guilt for me – feeling like it was something that God would not have approved of (even though they were women I didn't know).
So I'm not sure whether to mention anything about the fantasy side of masturbation.
Any suggestions specifically about that side of it?
Jennyof2boys – that’s the rub, isn’t it? (pun intended). Being a parent, we still have sexual feelings, it can be confusing to us, and even make it feel guilty at times. But like I said, I think our bodies are hardwired to be turned on by sexual things. So I can understand you feeling the need to masturbate after seeing your sons with hard-ons.
https://marriageheat.com/2023/12/24/masturbation-for-single-christians/#comment-60529I The above I though to be suitable here as well.
I think a lot of people make the mistake of confusing sexual arousal with sexual desire. It is deep in the inner brain that we are hard-wired to respond to a sexual situation by becoming aroused; we have no conscious control over it. Our hormones and state of mind and health also play a part.
Children in their younger years are generally not thinking of sex as a adult does; they are often simply 'horny', and may not be able to point to a reason why. Because of that, there is great innocence in a child's early years of solo-sexual pleasure – because it is not about sex, but about enjoying God's gift of horniness.
Sexual desire, on the other hand, is about sex. Here is the danger of falling into 'lust', or more correctly, 'coveting', as did King David when he saw Bathsheba across the rooftops. Had he just enjoyed his arousal, he would have been fine, but he chose adultery – he desired she who was another's.
Hearing each other's sexual pleasure is about arousal, not desire. As has been mentioned before, it would have been normal in times past when most people lived in a one room dwelling. And not a word from any church writer against it. (Nor for it either, indicating to me that it was a normal accepted part of life in Christian families.)
As children get older, there also needs to be a proper teaching about Lust. https://marriageheat.com/2017/02/23/lust-new-perspective/
Hubbie here: I’m late to the game on this post (it’s from 2019!), but thank you, sarah k, for these insights, especially around arousal vs desire. I agree and I think it aligns well with my theories about bringing “heat in the wild” back to the marriage bed!
When I see an attractive woman, nice braless breasts, a great ass in exercise tights, I do get sexually aroused! I get turned on! I think that’s how we’re created. I don’t think God has a problem with that, even though the institutional church may.
I do think I’m supposed to take this “arousal” and translate it into “desire” for my wife, and our marriage bed passion! Not “lust” for the tits or the ass or their “owner” seen in the wild, but rather take that arousal and channel it to Queen and fuel sexual desire for her!
The old “bounce your eyes”, purity culture admonitions may have focused on keeping “desire” holy, but soon morphed into condemning and short-circuiting “arousal”, and that’s contributed to a very ineffective church on promoting Christian sexual values.
This has very much been our focus in our later years, and it’s been hugely rewarding! Again, thanks for good insight, and for your contribution here on MH!
Blessings and passion!
To the links you provided I would add this one, specifically Waggs1's reply to the original post: https://marriageheat.com/2020/12/07/is-it-ok-that-i-fantasize-about-her/#comment-43589
It really brings a different perspective about exactly what "Lust" is and what Jesus's intent would have been with that particular passage (Matthew 5:27-28). @QueenandHubbie if the "eye bouncing" concept comes from the book EVERY YOUNG MAN'S BATTLE then that verse is pretty much the only biblical thing in the entire book, imho. While I'm not totally ready to completely abandon its philosophy, I do really wonder how much it and the whole purity culture thing has screwed me up for the last 2 decades…
@ Jennyof2boys I realize some people would get the wrong impression, it’s difficult to walk in someone else’s shoes as the saying goes. And being a dad, I can only guess in mom’s reaction, like you had, but it seems only natural they having raised your son, and seeing him naked as a baby and toddler, you were somewhat startled to see him hard, and he was that way probably because of you. So no judgments on my part. It all seems perfectly natural to me at the risk of some people forming the wrong impression about me, I will say I was proud of my daughters when they first started to develop their breasts, and it was so amazing to see them develop.
@Jennyof2boys it was certainly a somewhat embarrassing time for me, seeing my daughters developing, and I had some guilty feelings about how I felt, but I decided people are “hard wired” to such reactions, just as you were, seeing your sons with erections. I hope you came to that conclusion, as well.
@Jennyof2boys this is true. My son had several visible erections in front of me… Lucky I'm a mother/woman and no one can notice my involuntary physical reactions.
@Jennyof2boys Once my son surprised me by asking: Mom, what is lovemaking? I felt a chill and I wanted to know where he heard that expression. He told me he heard it on a TV show… but while I tried embarrassingly to explain the meaning of "making love" to that innocent and curious little face, my pussy and nipples reacted perversely. Have you had similar situations?
ThaysMom, it's the same issue that men face when the sight of a sexy woman gives them a hard-on though they have no intention of pursuing her. It's just part of our God-designed biological response. In this case, it's the subject matter that is stimulating, not the person you are talking about it too. No guilt on your part. The good thing is that you have this early opportunity to frame the joys of making love in the context of a God-honoring marriage in the simplest of terms for his tender mind.
@ThaysMom I struggled with guilt feelings when my daughters first started to develop and even more so when I discovered them touching themselves. I wonder who feels more strange feelings and guilt – moms or dads in such situations? Being a single dad, I was lucky to make a friend of a married mom online who gave me all kinds of wonderful advice.
This is a great discussion. Before it gets too long and has to be cut short, I’d like to invite you guys themarriagebed forum. Since it’s a forum you can discuss topics like this and not get in trouble for too many responses that get personal.
@Jennyof2boys he is only 6 y/o. At night I told my husband about the question he asked wanting to know what "making love" is and the fact that I got extremely horny trying to answer… This made him horny too and we ended up making love talking about our little boy.
I started having erections at about 13. My mom was older and matronly but my friends mom couldn’t have been more than 30 and attractive. I couldn’t get within sight (or thought, for that matter). Of her without a raging erection. That was just the embarrassing beginning. From then on I practically lived with an erection. If she was female, if she had breasts, I was aroused. Sooo embarrassing! I lived with that until well after marriage. It is so refreshing to learn that moms can be turned on seeing erect sons, and fathers blossoming daughters. I always thought that was so bad, not realizing it is normal. It is so nice to have forums like this to learn from.
@Jennyof2boys perhaps we can discuss the more embarrassing and humorous aspects of this at themarriagebed as Pickle Z suggests.
That would be an interesting discussion I am sure
Definitely would be an interesting discussion to dive into!
Gee 103 replies, now I'm going to add another.
I made the following comment here: https://marriageheat.com/2021/09/09/mmmmmhow/#comment-67149
Thought it also suitable here.
On 14 year olds,
Most are getting horny, are thinking or sex, are masturbating themselves and will have seen porn. If your 14 year old is not talking to you about sex etc., you can bet they are getting their knowledge from the world, and a lot of it will not be good. As parents we are to have laid the groundwork for their curiosity long before 14.
Your child watching porn is not the end of the world, they have a curiosity that we adults still have, that is why we have MH, we want to see what healthy Christian sex lives are outside our own.
I have heard a few experts say that algorithms are set to target young people with extreme porn, rape, bestiality, stuff that would upset us The algorithms deliberately do not show them to us, so we don't realise the garbage our kids are getting. If we don't teach our children what normal, healthy, Christian sex is, you can be sure they will have a badly distorted idea of it.
If your 14 year old, even 12 and 10 year old is not talking to you about sex, you have a problem that you may not even be aware of – talk to your kids, it is our duty as parents, and as Christians. Our duty, not the state, not the church, they can help, but it is our duty to teach our own kids.
(My adult children still come to talk to us).
Kathleen Hema has a good series on youtube to help parents talk to their children about sex, porn, masturbation etc.
I just found she has a lot on Tiktok as well.
God bless
Sarah K
I was diagnosed with precocious puberty at 7. Because I was very interested in girls, my doctor and my parents insisted I masturbate. None of our sons inherited my condition, but I still told them that masturbating is very important for men to do. They did. The first 5 have great marriages. Our youngest son (18) certainly knows his penis and has been enjoying it a lot for he's seriously looking forward to sex when he gets married in a few months.